


Forget-Me-Nots

by Calliope_Soars



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:10:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1433023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calliope_Soars/pseuds/Calliope_Soars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"love is more thicker than forget<br/>more thinner than recall<br/>more seldom than a wave is wet<br/>more frequent than to fail [...]"</p><p>by ee cummings</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waking Up Is Hard To Do

**Author's Note:**

> I do hope you like it as this is my first multi chapter fic for this fandom. This is a very short chapter to start things off. Feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Thanks to the lovely and very talented [alittlenutjob](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlenutjob), [HelenVanPattersonPatton](http://archiveofourown.org/users/HelenVanPattersonPatton/profile) and [tinyfierceandsassy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyfierceandsassy/profile) for all their help.
> 
>  **Music** : _Hey Love_ by Quadron

A persistent ache pulls at me and manages to drag me awake. It covers my body like a heavy blanket and causes my breath to catch in my chest. I let out a groan but the sound I make is so small it startles me. I can’t escape the desperate dryness of my mouth and throat; it makes me press my lips together when swallowing proves too painful. Blood rushes to my head and my heart races from the fitful sleep that still clings to my edges.

  
I feel suffocated and try to open my eyes yet am immediately assaulted by the brightness of the room. I go to raise my hand to shield against the light but a new sharp pain makes me drop it back on the bed again.

  
“Ow, jeesh…” my voice is so gravelly that the sound actually frightens me now. Before my eyes can adjust to the light, my injured hand is already being cradled between two warm large ones.

  
“Min?”

  
I blink a few times and see Danny Castellano knelt at my bedside, tears welling up in his brown eyes. I notice the IV tube stuck in the back of my hand as it continues to painfully throb but none of it makes sense. He whispers my name again – it sounds intimate and unsettling. My frown makes him swallow hard and glance away. I follow his gaze and see a man in a white coat; chart in hand while looking utterly pleased. My heart jolts at the sight of him and I finally comprehend that I’m in the hospital.

   
“Mindy,” the doctor is openly grinning at me now.

  
“So glad to see you up.” He sees my confusion, swiftly adopts a more solemn tone and taps his chart, “you were in a car accident, Mindy.”

  
He waits a beat and a nauseous feeling sweeps through me. “You were very lucky all things considered, but there was some head trauma.” He continues undeterred when I don’t respond, and I get a distinct feeling he’s practiced this speech. “Due to excessive swelling, we had to induce a coma to allow your brain and body to receive the rest it needed.” I open and close my mouth, not sure what to think. Not sure what to say to this as countless questions flit through my mind. My head aches too much to grab onto one in particular though, so I settle for muteness.

  
A nurse scuttles in with a cup of ice chips. I try to smile to show my intense gratitude, but my face just won’t do what I want it to so I nod instead. The dryness in my mouth seems more dire than anything else and I try to reach for it. Danny intercepts it though and I can’t help the awkwardness I feel when my hand brushes up against his. He seems to notice, looks oddly wounded and pushes the cup carefully into my hand. He seems to take care to avoid another involuntary touch. I don’t know why I feel bad, I don’t know what I did wrong just then but everything hurts too much to consider it any further.

  
Both men silently stare at me, but my priority now is the delicate task of scooping ice chips onto this spoon and getting said chips past my parched lips. Danny hovers and after several failed and quite pitiful attempts he decides to take over. I nod gratefully, let him feed me a spoonful and take a moment to relish the coolness on my tongue.

   
“How…” I cough to find my voice, “How long?”

  
My question seems to rattle the room and the two men share another significant look that only serves to make me feel stupid. Danny jumps in with a gentle whisper, “Ten days, you were…” He pauses to clear his throat, and a tick appears at his clenched jaw. “You were asleep for ten days.” I am startled by the anguish in his voice and the water brimming at his eyes. A blush travels along Danny’s neck up to his cheeks, and I am openly gaping at him now.

  
“You had your husband worried sick,” the doctor interjects while Danny takes deep breaths through his nose and refuses to meet my gaze.

  
“I’m not married.” I want to laugh but it doesn’t feel right so I twist my mouth up instead. Danny looks up at me then, fear and hurt clear in his eyes. “I’m not though…right?” I feel like crying and almost do when I see the tears in Danny’s eyes. Something feels horribly off, and that’s when I catch sight of the wedding band on Danny’s finger.


	2. By Her Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Music** : _Your Drums, Your Love_ – AlunaGeorge
> 
> I started this fic back in January after I rewatched the movie **The Vow**. I did not want to mention this in the summary or tags as I felt it would spoil the first chapter. I love the amnesia trope (as I was a rabid soap opera watcher back in the day). 
> 
> The POV will switch between Mindy and Danny every chapter.
> 
> Once more, thank you to my beta's (whom I spam so much it's insane). Without their keen eyes, this would be a big ole mess.
> 
> I SO appreciate your wonderful and generous response to my short little chapter. Thanks for all the kudos & comments my loves. I hope you keep enjoying yourselves.

“I’m **NOT** leaving her!”

  
Danny pushes the paramedic’s hand off of his shoulder a little too forcefully and has to stop from completely losing himself to the frantic rage simmering just below the surface.

  
"She's my wife!" Danny's voice cracks on the last word, desperation and panic seeping through despite his valiant efforts to keep his emotions at bay. He tries for a calming breath but can’t…he can’t see her and that thought has lodged itself so firmly inside his chest it feels like he can’t get enough air into his lungs. He needs to see her. Danny wants to scream her name but a sensible part of him silently murmurs that this wouldn’t get him any closer to her.

  
His ears are ringing, and he can’t quite remember how he got all the way here without her. He can’t remember a lot of things. The last thing he remembers was him kissing her so firmly she had made little happy sounds.

  
“You’ve been in an accident, sir. We need you to calm down and let us take a look at you.” _Calm down_ – he wants to scream. To rage at the infantile tone they’ve adopted for him. Danny’s gaze drops to his hands and he numbly watches them tremble so hard it actually vibrates throughout his frame. He’s met with dried blood and countless tiny bits of glass imbedded in the palms of his hands. Danny rubs his thumb along his wedding band to get some of the blood off and gasps her name again.

  
He looks up to see the paramedic is still talking to him but none of the sounds seem to reach him. Danny shakes his head on instinct, he hates this – hates that they are trying to calm him down when there is nothing but madness surrounding him.

  
“I am riding along. I won’t leave her alone.” The words come out in a whisper-shout and he grits his teeth to maintain some semblance of control. Danny sees something akin to pity in the other man’s eyes and before even realising what’s happening he sways a little on his feet. Another pair of strong gloved hands grab hold of him then and force Danny to sit down on the sidewalk; apparently the lone EMT had found his backup.

  
It’s only in that moment that he truly notices the mayhem of the scene around him and attempts to let it sink in. The lights and sounds of the fire trucks and ambulances hit him all at once, the chaos is oppressive and Danny can’t help but slump back into the hands that are still holding onto him. He closes his eyes for a moment, suddenly so terribly exhausted.

  
“I’m fine,” his voice trips up over the words, and Danny lets out a frustrated puff of air.

  
All of a sudden his heart clenches painfully in his chest and the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Something frantic sinks into him and that’s when Danny looks up to see Mindy’s unmoving limp body being transferred onto a gurney.

  
“Just…just let me see her. I’m a doctor!” Danny doesn’t want to think about how still she was, and what that could mean. “I just want to see her, please…oh God, please.” He blinks away tears that are pushing their way out. Before he knows it he’s openly crying. Danny wants to say he can help, that he’d never put her in harm’s way. He would never do anything to hurt her, except they wouldn’t be here if…

  
Black spots dance in front of his eyes until he can’t help but lose himself to them entirely.

* * *

_  
Silvia Castellano’s Sunday dinners were famous in their neighbourhood, if not the entire Island. If you were lucky enough to be invited to one, as it was usually strictly a family affair, you’d be hooked for life and do just about anything to get back in – even if it meant legally changing your name to Castellano._

_  
__No child of Silvia’s would dare miss even one of her Sunday feasts, and Danny felt lucky that his mother had quickly considered Mindy to be one of her kids as well. He had been nervous introducing the two most important women in his life to one another, as both had big personalities and the risk that they would clash was very real. Within moments, Danny was sure that Silvia preferred his girlfriend to both her sons and his mother was certainly not shy about showing her preference either._

  
 _He felt even more blessed when he realised how much Mindy adored his mother in return. Mindy hadn’t ever protested about the Sunday dinners like Christina had, so many lifetimes ago. Nope, in fact after they were married he was surprised to find out that his wife and mother spoke on the phone almost daily. Mindy was as adamant about those Sunday dinners as his mother, never letting him get away with calling out sick…not even the time when he had that crazy fever.  
_ _No one wanted to deal with the wrath of Silvia Castellano – not when she’d spent hours creating a huge spread of traditional Italian treats right after church. However this did not mean that Danny didn’t still try to get out of it from time to time._

 _  
__Danny had just delivered his 5 th baby of the weekend and he could barely stand on his feet, let alone imagine driving all the way to the Island to mingle with his family. Uncle Alessandro would keep talking about his barbershop quartet and offer…no more like aggressively insist to sing anything from their Perry Como repertoire. Considering his level of sleep deprivation and exhaustion, tonight might finally be the dinner where he would blurt out that Uncle Ale’s singing voice was the worst thing to have ever happen to music._

 _  
__Danny stumbled into their apartment around 2pm and immediately flopped onto the couch. When Mindy didn’t pay him any mind, he huffed out several heavy sighs until he heard her chuckle lightly and plant herself next to his slumped form._

 _  
_ _“Can’t we just skip it, Min? Just this once, Ma will understand,” Danny whimpered pitifully, “I am just sooooo exhausted.” He added a very manly pout and pressed his frame into her until he fell limp._

 _  
__Mindy pressed her soft palm against his jaw and watched him lean further into it before placing a soft kiss on it. “My poor baby.” She smacked her hand hard against his cheek then, “Man up Castellano! You know as well as I do that your mother will NOT be amused if we don’t show.”_

 _  
_ _“Jeesh Min, ouch.” Danny rubbed his cheek, even though it didn’t really hurt. He grasped at her shirt until she curved into him with amusement glittering in her eyes. “What if we think of a really really good excuse,” he mumbled against her collarbone in between a trail of soft kisses. “Like how this husband hasn’t seen his wife all weekend and desperately needs to get reacquainted with her.”_

 _  
__“I will not be seduced Mr. Castellano. Remember when Richie went to that Broadway show that time? For weeks she just kept repeating how disappointed she was in him. You know I can’t handle guilt trips, they give me major stress barfs.” Mindy shuddered, “Nope, nope! Silvia loves me, I am not risking it for anything mister.” She gave him a long deep lingering kiss. “Be brave my love, and I promise for some post-dinner delights.”_

 _  
__Dinner had been surprisingly relaxing and Uncle Ale’s voice didn’t even seem all that bad. At the end of the night, Danny watched his mother and wife hug each other so tightly you’d think they’d been apart for years, instead of just a week. A warm content feeling swept through him as he leaned against the doorframe. He grinned despite himself. “Ma…Min…don’t act like you aren’t gonna talk to each other on the phone tomorrow, or that you won’t see each other next week.”_

 _  
__“We’re having a moment, Daniel!” Mindy threw back and turned to kiss Silvia firmly on the cheek. Silvia gave Mindy a slow fond smile and squeezed her one last time._

 _  
_ _“You know I raised him to have better manners. Now come here and kiss your mother, Daniel!” Danny did as he was told, quietly happy that his wife hadn’t accepted his excuse to miss this dinner. “Thanks Ma. Love ya.”_

 _  
__As they drove away from his mother’s house, Danny turned to Mindy and saw her fiddle with something silver glittering around her neck. “What’s that?”_

 _  
_ _“Oh Danny, your mom gave me this.” Mindy’s eyes shone bright with unshed tears, “she said she worries about me and sometimes it was good to have an extra eye watching out for your kids.” Mindy’s voice cracked a little on the last word._

 _  
_ _“Ma’s real protective of her family Min.” Hearing a soft sob escape her, Danny glanced back to the road, but grabbed his wife’s hand so she’d continue._

_  
“It’s a St. Christopher’s medallion – apparently his job is to watch over us. I don’t know, I was too busy being a massive girl about the gesture I kinda stopped listening.”_

_  
_ _“He protects travellers.” He took a beat to consider something, and then brushed his thumb along her cheek. “I guess after she heard about all the conferences you had to travel to this year, Ma figured the big guy should pay extra attention to your safety.”_

 _  
__Danny smiled when Mindy gripped his hand tightly, “Oh Dan, that’s like the sweetest thing ever. I’m sorry to break it to you babe but it’s official; your mother is my new favourite person.”_

 _  
__He actually giggled, “that’s fine, as long as you remember you owe me a post-dinner delight.” Danny turned to her, smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at her._

 _  
_ _“Oh of course Mr. Castellano. Why wait though?” Mindy unbuckled her seatbelt, laughing and sidled towards him. She began to kiss his neck. “Pull over honey,” she hummed against his skin, then licked his earlobe. “My husband deserves his reward.” Danny quickly turned the car over onto the highway shoulder, before fully participating in his “dessert”._

  
 _He was in the midst of kissing his wife breathless when a truck rear-ended them with enough force to propel Mindy through the windshield.  
_

* * *

  
“Sir? Sir?!” Danny is shaken with care, his eyes opened to shine a point light in them. “You need to stay awake until we can get you checked out at the hospital.”

   
“Mindy?” He clenches his hands into fists and tries to sit up without the paramedics’ help. It takes him a moment to grasp where he is and what’s going on. “My wife? Did you…is she still here? I need to ride along with her…”

  
The two men exchange a look.  
“Please, you guys…I gotta be with my wife. I promise I will do whatever you say, just let me stay with her.”

  
“Let’s just get you into the ambulance first and we’ll find out how your wife is doing, alright buddy?” Danny nods because he has no choice, and lets the two men put a neck brace on him and help him towards the rig. He sits down on the gurney and feels a prick on his upper arm. Danny turns back to the paramedic, who is looking apologetic while holding an empty syringe in his hand.

  
“You sonofabitch…” Danny immediately feels woozy and the last thing he remembers are strong hands strapping him down.


	3. Welcome To Your Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Music** : _Almost Doesn’t Count_ – Brandy
> 
> My trio of fantastic beta's are the reason I'm even attempting this.  
> I love you ladies to bits - my gratitude knows no bounds! 
> 
> As previously stated, the POV switches every chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone, I appreciate any & all feedback.

  
“I swear if this is a prank, Castellano -” my voice is shaking horribly and I can’t seem to move my gaze away from his left hand, “I will personally destroy your entire Billy Joel collection!” I try for a chuckle and fail. All the while Danny just sits there, being entirely too quiet.  
  
  
He covers his hand up with the other and shakes his head so many times it makes me feel dizzy. “This…this isn’t a joke Min.” Danny sounds so fucking hurt, his desperation oozing off him in such overwhelming waves that I can’t bear to be in this room any longer.

  
I am crying now. Loud angry sobs jolt through me until I am unable to catch my breath. I dig my fingernails into the soft flesh of my palms, and I am praying. A wave of nausea hits me when I hear him tenderly mutter my name, as he tries to soothe me. I’m praying Danny has horrible taste in jokes. I watch his hands try to uncurl my tightly balled fists. He’s gentle. Too gentle, and dear God I can’t stop praying to wake up. This is too much…this is not my life. This can’t be real. My nails have managed to create little bloody crescents in my flesh and I feel numb at the sight.

_  
Please, please…just wake the fuck up!_

  
I screw my eyes shut and blood roars through my veins so fast I feel sick to my stomach. I am gasping for air, hands clawing at my hospital gown since it feels like it’s strangling me. It’s like tiny fragments of me are flying off, I am no longer a person but merely a brittle crumbling mess. There is no centre to me; all I have is this stifling vivid sensation of being buried alive. There is nothing to cling to, only wild chaos and absolutely no air to help me out.  
  
  
_I can’t breathe, I can’t…I can’t do this. I can’t breathe._

  
“Mindy…Mindy, calm down! You have to catch your breath, try to take a breath. Baby, please just calm down.”

  
Danny’s use of the pet name feels like another noose around my neck and I am fully hyperventilating. I can’t stop myself from shaking, trembling so hard it has my stomach rolling in the most disgusting way. I can’t keep myself from scratching at my neck since it feels like all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. My body seems to have forgotten how to do its job and I can vaguely hear the medical equipment echo the alarm I am feeling inside. All I can see is that goddamn wedding band, like it’s mocking me. All of this feels like a terrible joke and I just can’t seem to figure out the punch line.

  
Danny frames my face with his hands but I cringe at his touch and try to slap him away. His eyes are too frantic, too intimate, too fucking frightened. He can’t ground me; he can’t stop those little bits of who I am – who I thought I was – from falling off and shattering all over the place. I can’t handle the guilt. I can’t handle any of this. I want to breathe but my mind is too frenzied to do this one simple task.

   
Summoned by the hysterical sounds coming from the machines in the room, a flurry of white coats and sea green scrubs swiftly surround me, which only increases the heavy weight on my chest. They flit and fuss about over my head, saying quick urgent words that don’t reach the parts of my brain I need to process them. My muteness and uncontrollable trembling makes them frown at me in concern. I feel rather than see a cold slow liquid get pushed through my IV tube into my veins, it blurs the anxiety out until it feels distant and drowsiness overtakes me.

  
“You said she’d be fine. You said her brain had received the rest it needed…you, oh God,” I can hear Danny’s faint sobs as the doctor guides him out of the room and my heart quakes in response. 

  
“She doesn’t remember me…”  
  
  
I feel tears slip along the side of my face at his tone. I am the cause of all of this. I manage to finally gulp in a breath of air ,but it does nothing to soothe me. The rest of the conversation buzzes off into an incoherent mumble of sounds until I just let go. I close my eyes and let myself sink into the simple peace the sedative has to offer me.  


* * *

   
The foot of my bed dips a little and I let myself enjoy the soft rhythmic breathing that has filled the room. It feels calm and familiar, and some part of me wants to snuggle into the sound and have it envelop me.

  
There is another minute shift of weight at the end of the bed. The haze at the fringes of my brain fades off and I feel sharper. It doesn’t take me very long to recognise the stiffness in my body and the cause of it. Everything comes flooding back, but this time I try to prepare myself for the shallow breaths that mean to overtake me. I focus on my diaphragm, on the unrestricted flow of air coming in and out of me, on the fact that I am a good and capable doctor. I let my countless years of teaching women breathing exercises ease back into me, set a simple pace for myself until I feel like I am somewhat in control again. Only when I feel my pulse settle do I open my eyes.

  
I am met with the sight of a sleeping Danny hunched awkwardly in a hospital chair, his upper body set in such an odd angle that only his right shoulder and arm are really resting on the bed. I count out my breaths again, but my heart rate picks up a little when I notice how even in slumber his entire body looks tense and uncomfortable. It makes guilt churn in my stomach to see him frowning so hard in his sleep, and it’s clear that even now he is finding no relief from his worries.

  
I take him in for a moment; the restless way his eyelids twitch, the wrinkled state of his clothes, the dark heavy circles under his eyes and his worrisome pallor. Danny truly looked like the human definition of exhaustion. Even during the gruelling days of residency at the hospital, he had never looked like this. Never looked this openly defeated.

  
I think about what I know about this man and our evolution together. From our rivalry in med school to our antagonistic relationship as colleagues, there had always been something that drew us together. Despite the fact that I had made it my mission to have him like me, it still surprised me how he easily he had yielded to the idea of our friendship. How comfortable it had become in the end.

  
I spot a folded up cot tucked away in the corner of the room, and consider how Danny Castellano is still the same stubborn man I have always known. A smile plays at my lips as I take in his sleeping form. I can just imagine him _educating_ some poor nurse about how real men could sleep anywhere, a long grumpy rant ready to tumble out of him as usual.

  
Danny was a true friend. I shake my head at my own thoughts; count my breaths again until I settle, until I don’t feel as off-kilter. Danny Castellano is not just my friend anymore. He is more. This handsome jerk, whom I had to trick into becoming my friend, is now my husband. I glance down at my hands and for the first time notice a thin lighter strip of skin on my ring finger.

  
It is almost as if he could hear my frenzied thoughts out loud, because he stretches out both arms and lets out a weary yawn. I hear his neck pop and watch him rub it before he blinks his sleepy eyes at me. 

  
It’s clear he doesn’t know what to do, that he probably expected me to still be asleep. Danny looks like he doesn’t want to spook me. He moves his chair away from the bed a bit to…I don’t know, to give me space perhaps. I smile weakly at him, feeling like I should make the first move.

  
“Hi.”

  
“Hi,” his voice sounds gravelly, so he clears his throat. A light flush creeps along his cheeks as he repeats his greeting a little softer this time. Danny looks like he wants to ask a million questions, but instead just presses his lips together in a tight line.

  
“I’m fine,” I blurt out. I want to apologise for before, for freaking out. Except what sane person wouldn’t freak out. I feel bad though, so I repeat myself to make sure he’s heard me.

  
There’s an anguish that won’t leave his brown eyes and is creasing his forehead. He looks the picture of the doting husband waiting desperately for me to tell him what I need or want. I consider how this is all that I wanted in my life, someone loyal who would love me fiercely. It just seems so unsteady and flimsy without the memories to go along with it. I repeat my weak smile because everything else feels awkward and wrong.

  
I watch him jump up suddenly, as if bolstered by the simple fact that I am speaking to him without having a full-blown panic attack. Danny returns with a cup of water. I can tell he doesn’t quite know what to do now, as if he didn’t think that far ahead. I meet his hand halfway, take the cup and give him another reassuring smile before taking a grateful sip. His wedding band glints at me and I swallow a whimper that wants to push past my lips. He notices it anyway and quickly sits back down, one hand covering the other again.

  
“I...I know that you don’t remember Min, but you will.” Danny tries for a smile but stumbles half way through. His words are laced with such an intense need that I want to look away. I’ve never heard him stutter before and it stuns me for a moment. He is my husband, he loves me and he’s so afraid. These are the facts I seem to have to accept now.

  
“Could I maybe see my parents?” I change the subject because the ground feels steadier over here. “Oh, and Rishi and Gwen. Are they all outside?”

  
Danny looks away from me, “they aren’t here right now, sorry.”

  
I frown at him, forgetting about everything else except for how illogical his last sentence sounds to me. “Wait, you’re saying I’ve been in a coma for ten whole days and no one is here right now? What the hell?”

  
“No Mindy, they were here. Every single day, they’ve been here.” Tension rolls off of him in stifling waves again. Danny moves his hand to rub at his neck and takes a deep slow breath.

  
“It’s just…when you woke up and you didn’t remember,” Danny gestures wildly between us. He doesn’t meet my gaze and is quiet for a beat, clearly at a loss for words to describe this mess.

  
“I did, you know, call them every single moment I could. I kept them updated. But yeah, I asked them to stay away, to give us some time to…” Danny trails off, but I am too pissed off to feel bad for him. How dare he decide this for me?

  
He turns his big brown eyes towards me, “I didn’t know what to do, Min. I still don’t know. I just thought maybe if it could just be us for a while.”

  
“There is no us. I don’t remember there ever being an us,” I yell and I feel brittle because of his words, because of how mine have just made his face crumble. 

  
“You’re my friend Danny.” I amend, but it only seems to be like salt in his wound. Danny clenches his jaw, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb along the smooth metal on his ring finger. I pretend I don’t notice.

  
“I’m sorry, that’s all I remember,” I add lamely. “Can I…can you please call my family for me?”

  
Danny nods, his thumb still grazing his ring as if it were a rosary bead. “I’ll go do that now then,” he quickly exits the room and I am left with harsh silence and sickening guilt.


	4. Just A Friendly Jolt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delayed update. I've been dealing with some writer's block, but I am trying to shake it off.
> 
> Thanks for being lovely darlings & for still sticking around and reading.
> 
> MAJOR THANKS to **[tinyfierceandsassy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyfierceandsassy/profile)** for always being super supportive!
> 
>  **Music** : _Yesterday Was Hard On All Of Us_ \- Fink  
>  _Paloma Negra_ – Chavela Vargas

There are defining moments in everyone’s life. Significant actions that propel you to move left instead of right, or make you stop altogether. Moments where you realise that after this things won’t ever be the same again. Sometimes you recognise a moment just as you’re in the middle of it and you feel the weight – the importance of it – pressing down upon you, causing a cold sweat to form at your brow. More often than not though, you don’t see these moments coming. Whether they turn out good or bad, in the end it’s just you left reeling in the aftermath.

  
The moment he met his wife was significant, but it took a while for him to catch up to it – to realise its importance. The moment before he kissed her though, he knew its weight. He had leapt, towards her, towards their future. He had changed their direction for the better at the last possible second.

  
This time however…this time he hadn’t been prepared. In fact, he was walking around blind. Life had lulled them into a comfortable happiness, where they’d felt blessed and were convinced that this is what life had intended for them all along. Of course, he thanked God for her each day, but he had felt certain that she was written in his plan all along.

  
He was happy, they were happy.

  
Nothing could touch them.  
  


* * *

_  
Danny woke up with a start, a pounding head and a sense that something was terribly wrong. He was in the hospital, which for a split second calmed him down until he realised he wasn’t on call but was strapped to a bed instead. It didn’t take long for everything to come flooding back. Yet it wasn’t until he thought about how he still didn’t know where Mindy was, let alone how she was doing, that he was truly left reeling. A sickening sensation flushed through him which made him push the call button for the nurse with so much force he almost broke it._

_  
__“Mr. Castellano,” an older lady in pale pink scrubs breezed into the room, “let’s get these silly things off of you.” She began untying the restraints at his wrists, smoothing a maternal hand along them to check for injuries._

_  
__“There we go then,” she beamed at him, removing the heart monitor leads before helping him sit up straight. “So how are you feeling Mr. Castellano?”_

_  
__“Doctor Castellano,” Danny barked, “and I’m fine. I just really need to know where my wife is.” The woman’s smile didn’t falter at his abrupt response, which made him feel awkward and add a belated ‘please’ as way of apology._

_  
__She introduced herself as Sonja, checked the stitches on his forehead and tenderly scolded him for fidgeting. He tried for patience and let the nurse do her check up, however Danny’s stomach simply wouldn’t settle and his panic was gradually getting the best of him. Once she was done, Sonja placed a warm hand on his shoulder and informed him that his wife’s state was critical but stable for now. Sensing that this did nothing to abate his nerves, she continued to gently explain that Mindy had just been taken up to surgery. Sonja elaborated in medical terms that used to mean something to him, but all Danny could hear was blood furiously roaring in his ears. Sonja threw him a kind smile and squeezed his shoulder, grounding him for a moment. She was in good capable hands, the nurse reassured him, the best surgeons in the hospital were looking after his wife. Danny felt like he had jumped out of his own body and was watching this scene from the outside. He thought she might’ve said something about keeping faith, but perhaps he had imagined that. A part of him hoped for words to lean on, words to keep him upright since he felt like he was coming undone. Feeling disjointed and numb, it wasn’t until the older woman pushed a bag of Mindy’s personal items into his hands that he sunk back into himself._

_  
__It was the silver glint of the St. Christopher that had jolted him, made him mumble a belated thank you after Sonja’s retreating form. With solemn purpose, Danny dug through the items in the clear bag until he found the brand new necklace and Mindy’s wedding band. Danny clenched his hand around the dirty, bloodied jewellery so hard it hurt. He blinked against the pressing heat of burgeoning tears and sucked in a slow cleansing breath of air to centre himself._

__  
_Danny gathered himself enough to call his mother, his voice steady yet detached as if he were speaking about the weather. His Ma proved herself a woman made for emergencies, making Danny instantly grateful that she had been his first call.  
_ _Silvia Castellano informed her son – in a kind but decisive tone – that she would handle the rest of the calls to the family. He hadn’t realised how much he was dreading the prospect until she took it entirely out of his hands. Sonja came back in the room just as he had hung up with his mother. She gently eased him back onto the bed, told him to rest for a while since the surgery was long from over._

__  
_Danny had been staring at the ceiling for a few minutes or several hours, he really didn’t know anything anymore. He was shaken out of his stupor by the familiar scent of his mother’s perfume wafting into the room. With great difficulty, he managed to sit up before she reached him. Danny tried to bolster them both with a reassuring smile but almost immediately felt his chin begin to quiver under its weight. Silvia framed her son’s face with warm hands and levelled him with such a knowing gaze, that he could do nothing but lean into her touch. His intense exhaustion and the harsh reality of the situation had finally burrowed and settle into his bones. At this point, all Danny could manage was to release the tears that had been pushing to get out since he had woken up in the hospital.  
_ _“Oh my sweet boy,” Silvia whispered into his hair, gathering her eldest son in her embrace as heavy sobs started to shake his entire frame._

_  
__“I don’t know what to do, Ma. She’s in there right now, fighting for her life…and I, oh God Ma, I can’t do anything to help her.” Danny harshly pushed the heel of his hands against his eyes to stop the flow of tears. Silvia took hold of her son’s hand, uncurled his fist to reveal Mindy’s necklace and ring. She bit her bottom lip and with a slight tremble in her fingers she undid the clasp to slide the ring onto the necklace. “I know honey,” Silvia gently smoothed her palm along Danny’s cheeks until they were dry and gave him a kiss on his forehead. She conjured a feeble smile, before fastening the necklace around his neck._

__  
_“There is one thing we can do, sweetheart.”  
_

* * *

 

  
Danny fingers the medallion around his neck, rubbing his thumb along the ridges of the etching over and over again. _Protect us_ , it reads. The thought makes him angry yet somehow doesn’t stop him from compulsively moving his finger along the engraved words. _Protect us_. If he rubs it enough, maybe the words might burn themselves in his flesh. Maybe they’ll come true. Maybe they’ll fix everything.

  
Truth be told, he had been a fool to think that anyone was looking out for them – for her. What had these words done for anybody at this point? He feels bad right away, his stomach clenching with guilt. Mindy was alive and awake – he should be grateful, he should be thanking God right now. Danny presses his thumb harshly against the hard metal of the medallion and says a silent prayer. She had been protected in the end; she was still here after all. At least he hadn’t completely lost her.

  
Danny lets out a sound between a scoff and a sob when her wedding band bumps against his fingers. He pauses a moment as if it had burned him, careful not to touch it again as he tucks the necklace back into his shirt. Instead he palms his cell phone and scrolls through the recent call log, desperate for something to keep his jittery hands busy. Call her family, she had said. Her family. A group of people he apparently no longer belongs to.

  
His finger poised above the green call button, Danny spots Sonja sitting behind the nurses’ desk. If he’s honest, the idea of calling the Lahiri’s right now makes him want to throw up. It feels like admitting defeat, as if he were admitting that everything wouldn’t be alright in the end. All they need is some time, that’s what he had kept repeating to himself like some irrational chant from the second she had woken up. Some time with his wife and she would remember him – what they had, what they were to each other. All they needed was just some space and time to figure it all out. He had waited ten horrific days for her to wake up, he should be grateful for all he had right now. He could wait a little longer.

  
“Hey Sonja, I was wondering if you could call Mr. and Mrs. Lahiri for me. Tell them that their daughter wants to see them.”

  
The older nurse looks up at him with that same supportive smile he has come to depend on since the moment he woke up in the hospital himself. He doesn’t need to explain the implications of this phone call. Danny swallows the bile rising up in his throat and is grateful for Sonja’s discretion.

  
“No problem, Dr. Castellano,” she squeezes his hand, pats it two times before picking up the phone to do what he can’t manage himself. “You know it is just Danny.” He wants to add, _considering what we’ve been through all this time_ , but he can’t say the words so he settles for a soft grateful smile. Danny feels himself welling up again at the genuine kindness in her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of those calls for you.” He nods at Sonja’s words, because he doesn’t trust his voice anymore and turns to head down the familiar hallways of the hospital.

  
Danny loses himself in the comforting familiarity of his route; his head blissfully empty as he slowly weaves his way towards the hospital chapel. He pushes the doors open with care and finds the space empty. The stillness of the room falls over him and he takes care not disturb the quiet as he settles in on one of the pews up front. Smoothing his hands along the wood on either side of him, Danny lets himself breathe it all in for a moment. Before he can realise it, tears are streaming down his face so fast he can barely see anything. The weight of everything makes him bow his head and clasp his hands together. With a crack in his voice, Danny begins to pray. Soft muttered words said over his interwoven fingers in this hospital chapel are the only things that seem to keep him from completely unravelling.

  
He makes sure to thank God for bringing Mindy back. He thanks God for hearing his desperate crazed prayers…for waking her up. He thanks Him for so much. He knows he shouldn’t ask for more. Danny is sobbing hard now.

  
Except…except he has to. He has to have his wife back. Not just Mindy, but **his** Mindy. Danny needs to have her back, because he doesn’t know how he got her in the first place. He doesn’t know if he can win her back all over again, if he can start over again. Danny doesn’t even know where to begin.

  
So he sits in his pew in the hospital chapel and begs his God again, for just one more miracle.


	5. Tentative Reunions And Bumps In The Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dang, it's been a month. :/
> 
> I'm so sorry for the long wait. I'm still battling horrid writer's block. Thanks to my darling beta's for having my back always!
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos & kind comments and for sticking around. I appreciate it so much!
> 
>    
>  **Music:** _Little Worrier_ – Kina Grannis  
>  _Tomorrow_ – Daughter

There’s always that split second when you realise how easy it would be to stop existing. To stop participating…to just stop. It is a strange numbing sensation to wake up and immediately regret it. Regret your ability to register what is happening around you. You sorta blink your eyes and think; _nope I don’t want to play along after all. This really isn’t the game I signed up for._

  
Simply put, I truly regret opening my eyes. I _really_ hate myself for ever waking up. I feel certain that things were better when I was asleep. The word coma has acquired a wonderful peaceful connotation now, morphed into some sort of serene nap where people would fawn over you while you just lay there like Sleeping Beauty. There was no drama when I was asleep. Or at least, I wasn’t privy to it so it didn’t matter – and better yet, it didn’t touch me.  
 

I idly finger the hospital bracelet, twirl it around my wrist but somehow it begins to feel constricting. Hot familiar panic crawls along my skin, ready to sink into me like a parasite, so I close my eyes and will myself to breathe – to fall back asleep. However the white plastic band feels like it is shrinking and sinking into my flesh, causing a stifling frustration to lace my movements as I start pulling at it. It doesn’t budge and I suddenly notice the sober black font adorning it.  
  
 _  
 **Castellano, Mindy**_ – this little piece of plastic screams my new name at me.

  
Desperately, I wish that I could rewind time and demand my body to not wake up. Nothing good has come from it. I started such a mess, a horrible shitstorm, just because my brain wouldn’t behave itself and work properly. 

  
What’s the point of waking up if you can’t even do it right? What’s the point of coming back from death’s door if essential information necessary for life to be bearable gets erased? What’s the point of waking up at all?  
All I have is questions now. Endless incessant questions that make my head hurt even more than it already does. I don’t even have anything concrete to mourn over, all I feel is frustration and guilt and that pitiful feeling of being left out.

  
I hate that I’m crying again. I swear I remember I never cried this much before, but what do I know, right?! I mean my memory isn’t the most reliable thing in the room right now.

  
All I can picture is his face, his fucking sad face and me saying all the wrong things. I just want to see my family; I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t realise his face would look even more devastated due to my simple request. I love him – of course I do, he’s my friend after all.

  
I groan so hard I only manage to give myself a bigger headache than I already have. Of course he’d be upset. If I had been in his place, if it was me…  
I can’t finish this depressing train of thought, as there’s a tentative knock on the hospital door. My stomach swirls with nerves and I know I’m not ready to face Danny just yet.

  
My parents shuffle into the room, unsure and looking older than I remember. I start crying and my mother lets go of my father’s hand and runs to envelop me in her too tight embrace. It doesn’t take long for dad to settle into the hug as well, all the while murmuring words of gratitude and love in his native Tamil. We dissolve in sobs and I feel grateful for the first time since waking. I finally understand how selfish my earlier thoughts had been, as I’m confronted with a taste of the anguish my permanent absence would’ve caused. We disentangle reluctantly, fat tears still rolling down all our faces as we smile dumbly at each other.

  
“Where’s Rishi?” I croak at them, grateful for the temporary bubble of normalcy provided by the ease of their presence. My father smiles and cups my cheek.   
“He figured you’d be desperate for some processed sugars, so he’s hunting down some snacks for you.”

  
I allow myself a brief moment to really drink in the both of them, letting it sink in that there’s suddenly space for familial lightness. “And it didn’t hurt that he got to miss out on this Lifetime moment,” I joke gently and picture my little brother’s certain revulsion at our tearful reunion.

  
My parents let out good-natured chuckles and I instinctively lean into my father’s palm, pleased that I’ve done something right. Mom hurries to tuck me back into her embrace and I’m so glad that I haven’t managed to mess this up. We sink back into each other, back into our sobs. Only this time, our tears are tinged with thankful smiles and breathless relief.

  
“Oh I’m sorry,” a soft voice breaks up our little huddle.

  
With red-rimmed eyes and a flushed face, Gwen awkwardly tries to back out of the hospital room and only manages to get her purse tangled on the door handle. I gasp softly because I am so terribly happy I remember her.

_  
I’m not a complete failure after all._

  
My parents have to actually physically drag her towards the bed, all the while muttering what I can only assume are reassuring words meant to bolster her. I bite my bottom lip at the sight of my best friend, unsure of how long I can manage to keep from screwing things up. Both of us stare at each other for a long time before Gwen finds her bravery and pulls me into a crushing hug. When I open my eyes, I watch my parents blow kisses back at me before they’re closing the hospital door behind them.

  
Gwen settles on the chair next to my bed, taking a moment to move it close enough so she can still hold onto my hand. Her fingertips linger at my wrist, as if to confirm I’m really still here. I’ve never seen my friend look anything but composed, so this version of her feels very wrong.

  
“I’m happy to see you.” I try to mend whatever my accident may have wrecked within her, straighten her spine a little and erase the wild panic from her eyes. She looks up with tears streaming down her face, her fingers tapping that pulse again. I will my lips to curve upwards and my heartbeat to steady.

  
“I thought you were gone. Min, I thought…” Gwen can’t finish her sentence, “I was just so afraid. You’re my…” She shakes her head stiffly, causing long blond strands of hair to cling to her wet cheeks, “you’re my sister.”

  
The words come out like a vow, like a promise that transcends everything else that has happened. This hits me unexpectedly and my insides quiver in accordance. I grip her hand in both of my own, “I’m here.” I nod sternly, and don’t stop until she nods back. I need her to understand that I’m grateful for that fact as much as she is (or more). That despite my earlier wishes, I could not do without her or the others I love so dearly. I could not bear to hurt them more than I already have.  
 

“So…is it tacky for me to say that I’m happy that you remember me?” Gwen chortles and I can’t help but join in.

  
“A lot tacky, which makes me think you might’ve been hanging out with Maggie too much.” We both crack up at this. The laughter feels freeing, like we’re shaking the cobwebs off of our friendship. This room has sadness clinging to its walls and the familiar sound of our chuckles may be the first step in cleansing it.

  
After several minutes of companionable silence, a tension returns around Gwen’s eyes and mouth. “So it’s true then. You don’t remember him.” She’s my best friend, so it is inevitable that she would address the elephant in the room (you know the one who’s currently sat atop me and slowly working on smothering me).

  
I scoff, “I remember him. I just – he’s just Danny to me, you know. The handsome jerk. The guy who barely tolerates my friendship.”

  
Gwen sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, chewing on it – and I can tell there are a million questions she wants to ask. “Just spit it out. You’ve never been shy before, Grandy!”

  
“The doctors, they advised not to push you.” I roll my eyes at her words and pinch her arm. “Ow, I’m being serious, Min – they told us to not put any pressure on you when it came to your memories.”

  
“As a doctor, I can tell you that a lot of times we don’t know what we’re talking about. Also, I don’t feel pressured, Gwen. Go ahead…just ask away. I’m scared you’ll pop that vein at your temple if you keep up this level of self-restraint any longer.”

  
“What’s the last thing you remember?” She says it so quietly that I can barely make it out. I’m nervous suddenly. It feels like there’s something scary lurking around the corner, just at the periphery of my eye line, like in a horror film.  
I guess I’m giving out a frantic vibe cause Gwen looks like she might burst into tears at any moment. I mouth that it’s fine, part of me wanting to remind her that I hold a monopoly over all the guilt in the world and I’ve none to spare for her. _These visits were going so well._ I try for a laugh, but it comes out shrill and fake.

  
“There was a building wide Christmas party,” I rub my temples, “I was into this blond lawyer and I thought…” My headache begins to radiate to my jaw and the base of my skull.

  
“Cliff”, Gwen offers and I breathe out a confirmation instead of nodding.  
“I had convinced the office that it was a good idea. I had a plan.” I try to think harder, to fill in those gaping blank spots but nothing comes to me.

  
“I really don’t get how I went from that to being Mrs Danny Castellano,” my voice cracks and I silently tell myself it’s the headache that’s making me emotional. I refuse to succumb to it though. Finding Gwen’s hands again, I squeeze.

  
“How long ago was that?”

  
I watch all colour drain from her face, guilt sucker punching me in the gut once again. She stays unnaturally silent, as if she’s actively holding her breath. I am desperate and swallow down the sick feeling of shame at what I’m doing to her.

  
“Please Gwen. You know I can’t ask him.”

  
I want to elaborate, to tell her how broken he looks now. How I’m the cause of that wretched look on his face. I feel paralysed at the images my mind is conjuring and the throbbing in my head is making it hard for me to breathe. I release her hands because I can tell I’m hurting her and instead fiddle with the hospital band.

  
I consider the position I’ve put her in and apologise. _Forget it, I was a fool to ask, a fool to want to know. This was a good visit, why ruin it._ I don’t say any of that, too afraid I guess, too ashamed. Instead, I tug at that plastic bracelet on my wrist again; as if it holds the answers no one is brave enough to give me.

  
“Mindy, that happened 4 years ago.”

  
Gwen pauses, her wet eyes taking me in. It’s clear she’s checking to see if she made the right call by telling me or if she’s hurt me with the truth. I’m not sure, so I stay silent.

  
“You and Danny – you got together at that party,” she smiles, like it’s something beautiful.

  
“We did?” I cry softly. Gwen nods and moves to sit on the bed with me. I let myself sink into her arms. I want to ask, _then what happened_ , but I feel silly. Gwen knows me better than anyone else though so she continues. “You were married a year later. Right before your 35th birthday.” I smile despite all my conflicting emotions. I had a deadline for myself that no one but Gwen and I knew about. I guess Danny knew it too.

  
Gwen presses a kiss to my hair and I don’t realise my body is trembling until she tightens her arms around me. “He’s a good man. I should be happy. Right?! I should…”

  
She shushes me then, causing me to tightly press my lips together. “You’re allowed to freak out. This is a lot. I’m sorry this happened, sweetie. I’m sure –” 

  
“Stop, just don’t, Gwen. Don’t say, it’ll be alright, because we can all see everything is fucked right now. You just,” I feel the headache pounding in my ears now and I exhale slowly to tamp down the hysteria bubbling deep inside of my frame. “You just told me I’ve been married for three years. I forgot a marriage, an entire life. It got knocked out of my head and now I’m forced to sit here and pretend that I believe it’ll all come rolling back somehow.”  
 

The machinery I’m hooked up to loudly betrays my inner turmoil and I am sure a nurse will come hurrying in here at any minute. I feel the window for answers is closing fast. “Was I happy? Did I forget on purpose?” I am shaking and push myself out of her embrace so I can really look at her.

  
Gwen is braver than I am and actually meets my watery eyes. She grits her teeth, smoothing her hands up my arms so she can grip my shoulders. “The last conversation we had.” She’s still for a tick. Two, three, four deep breaths and she smiles with tear filled eyes to match my own. “We spoke right before you left for Staten, on the night of your accident.” I move a hand to clasp on top of one of hers. My heart swells with fierce love for this woman, my sister.

  
“Danny was grumbling at you to get off the phone,” Gwen allows herself a genuine laugh before her face turns solemn again, “you probably locked yourself in the bathroom. You were whispering…” I feel my headache subside at her words, at the truth in them, the affection hidden in its folds. I smile encouragingly at my best friend. “You sounded so happy, Min. Even when you were yelling at him to ‘calm his tits’, there was laughter and love there. You said how you’d had to bully him into going and now he was acting like it was all his idea. You sounded in love.”

  
I nod because it’s the first thing I’ve heard that sounds like me. It’s the first thing that feels plausible. I want her to continue, but I’m afraid to break the spell. I’m scared we’ll be interrupted. If I’m honest, I’m just terrified all the time now.

  
“You told me you had big news. You said Danny would probably be annoyed at you for telling me so quickly, but he was probably on the phone with Richie right then.”

  
“What?” I whisper, gently nudging her when she’s moved both hands to cover her face. Gwen’s bravery is running out, I can tell. My inability to recall any of this is sinking into her and I want to yell that she’s not the only one frustrated by this.

  
“You told me you and Danny were trying for a baby.”

  
I don’t even have a moment to gasp, because I spot Sonja’s pink scrubs from the corner of my eye. I hug Gwen tightly to me, kiss her solidly on the cheek and whisper a thank you.

  
“Oh Mrs Castellano, I’m sorry for interrupting. Nevertheless, I have to take your vitals and take some blood as well.” Sonja’s firm tone makes Gwen scurry to gather her purse from the chair so the nurse can take the seat.

  
“Maybe it’s better if I come by later?” Gwen tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, “we can uhh – we’ll talk more then, okay?” She sort of lingers at the foot of the bed, looking a little queasy when Sonja arranges her supplies for the blood draw.

  
“I’m sorry, you know how I am about needles.” Gwen looks apologetic and ducks her head. “I’ll be back later,” she promises and dashes out of the room before I have a chance to speak. I can’t blame her, as I feel like throwing up myself but for very different reasons.

  
Lost in my haze, Sonja goes about her work like the professional she is. “So, are you excited?” I make a confused little sound, not really following what’s so thrilling here except maybe the extra cups of Jello Sonja always gets for me.

  
The nurse looks up after having tied the tourniquet around my arm, a smile playing on her lips. “To be released tomorrow. Your husband is taking you home.”


	6. Don't Let Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Music** : _If You're Gone_ \- Matchbox Twenty  
>  _Come Home_ \- Ryan Adams
> 
> Here's an extra long chapter to apologise for the very slow updates. This one just really didn't want to be written.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me, I appreciate it.
> 
> (Also, always make sure to kiss your beta's as they are everything! Thank you to my beauties!)

_Obviously he had been under pressure before. His whole career had been built upon him adapting to high-pressure situations and training himself to guide everything down the right path – a road that would ideally lead to happy healthy families._

_  
__Danny Castellano had never been particularly kind to himself. Instead he set goals, pushed himself to go harder than anyone had ever attempted. If he was honest, he was obsessed with doing better than everyone else._

 _  
__As a young boy, Danny had made it his mission to carve out his own happiness, chisel it out of stone if he had to and work long and hard to make that a reality. With blood and sweat, he’d earn his callouses in this life and become a better man than his father ever was. Danny did things with purpose. He refused to get distracted, simply rejected the idea of stress or failure. Mind over matter, and when it came down to it, Danny sure was stubborn as hell when he set his sights on something._

 _  
__However, this situation was wholly foreign, frightening and frankly not something his life had prepared him for. Danny Castellano had always been a man who relied heavily on preparation, upon the repetition of skills until they were successfully honed into reflexes. All that had changed when this woman, this complicated beautiful creature, had suddenly agreed to be his. It’s true that he had been brave, had kissed her and took hold of the moment when it had presented itself. From then onwards it was a matter of making sure he held on tight and made it last. Yet that didn’t mean that he believed that it actually would, that this happiness would really stick._

 _  
__Mindy Lahiri was not a woman you could prepare for, as she was someone made entirely of surprises. Stealthily, she had somehow become the actual centre of his universe, and Danny was petrified of losing her. He was not a man made for a whirlwind lifestyle, although it did manage to exhilarate him when she was there to hold his hand._

 _  
__Now three months after their first kiss in the snow, they had settled into each other’s lives like missing puzzle pieces that had been meant to lock together all along. She hadn’t let go of his hand, not since that Christmas party where she trapped him instead of the man she had intended to catch._

 _  
__Danny felt the airplane’s engine roar beneath them, causing goose bumps to stand on end across his arms. She pressed soft lips against his temple and trailed a finger along the furrow at his brow. It was as if she could sense the low hum of his anxiety like a chill in the air. Mindy would beam then, and radiate so much warmth at him that the frost at his core had no other option but to melt away._

 _  
__“Stop worrying, Castellano.” Her voice was light and kind, as her hand found his to squeeze it gently. Danny was unsure if she meant the plane, or the whole ‘going to Boston to meet the parents for the first time’ bit._

 _  
__He wanted to scoff, to wrap himself in that familiar Castellano bravado and tell her she was being silly – there was no one cooler than him. He didn’t though, as he had stopped hiding from her a long time ago. Instead Danny leaned in to give her a long lingering kiss._

 _  
__Mindy blushed and kept her eyes closed for a beat. “Mhm…what was that for?”_

 _  
__He kissed her again, just as the plane lifted off. ‘For making me a little braver every day’ is what he wanted to say, but Danny knew she’d dismiss him and call him cheesy. He often marvelled at how oblivious Mindy was about how much her love had changed him for the better, how lost he’d been without her, how she’d saved him from a life of crippling loneliness._

 _  
__He gazed lovingly at the woman of his life, forever baffled at his luck. “For making me stop worrying.” Danny skimmed the pad of his thumb along the curve of her chin and felt the tension in his stomach ease up and loosen as he took in the sight of her._

 _  
__Mindy pressed closer to him, a content sigh easing past her lips once she found herself tucked nicely into him. “That’s what I’m here for, ya dork.”  
_ _The open adoration in her eyes made him so smile so hard his cheeks hurt._

 _  
__They laughed, kissed and held hands the entire flight._

* * *

   
“You know they have beds for that.”

  
Danny lifts his head and blinks bleary eyes at his little brother. Despite Danny’s exhaustion – despite everything, really – a little smirk tugs at his lips.

  
“I’m just resting my eyes, punk!”

  
“Wow, rude!” Richie laughs, warm and easy. The sound actually manages to charm the first genuine smile from Danny in ages. “I don’t think you deserve this now, but you look like hell and I’m a good brother so…” He slides a large cup of coffee in front of Danny and takes a seat on the hard plastic chair across from him.

  
Richie glances around the half-empty hospital cafeteria, before returning to eye his brother from head to toe. Danny cradles the cardboard cup, just above the sleeve, feebly trying to dispel the weariness that has sunk down into his bones by letting the heat of the coffee scald his palms for a couple of beats. Danny can feel Richie eyeballing him so he mutters a thank you to his brother, then inhales deeply before taking a long swig of his drink.   
  
  
“Yeah, no way you bought this here. No way!” He sounds almost awed, as if he’s forgotten about the world outside these hospital walls, and takes another deep swallow.

   
“Yeah ‘kay, I feel sorta human again.”

“No offense bro, but you don’t look it. At all!”

  
Danny can’t even muster the energy to be offended, and only snorts in amusement. “It’s been…” he starts and stops, unable to grasp a word broad enough to describe what his life has been like.

  
“Nobody tells you, ya know,” Danny feels cheated, but isn’t able to muster any heat to fuel his words. “They don’t tell you what it’s like on the other side. In med school, they don’t teach you how to be a patient. All you get are facts about the body and how to keep it ticking. I’m a good doctor Rich, but this…this is different." Danny scratches the back of his neck, drained by his own thoughts, no energy left for further disappointments.

  
"I don’t know what to do for her. No one taught me how to fix this.”

  
Danny sees that Richie is surprised by his candour, even if his little brother is trying to hide that fact. He can tell how cautious Richie is being, that he’s swallowing words he would’ve otherwise just spat out.

  
"Anyway..." Danny says with a dry tone, drawing the word out until it’s twisted into something sad instead of silly (which is actually what he was going for). He slaps his palms onto the table forcefully, eager to do away with the gloom that he's brought down upon them. 

  
“I’m glad you’re here, Richie!” It comes out as a solemn declaration and Danny gently pats his little brother’s cheek to show his gratitude.

  
A loud bang causes both men to look up.

  
They watch Rishi Lahiri punch, kick and curse at a vending machine on the far left corner of the (now completely empty) cafeteria. The Castellano brothers move in unison towards him, careful almost, so as not to startle the younger man. Rishi rests his head against the machine, hard puffs of air fogging up the space there, arms and fists held tight and rigid against his frame.

  
“Hey bro,” Richie somehow manages to manufacture a grin, while easing his body into a relaxed stance. Danny is left impressed by how limitless and natural his brother’s social skills seem to be.

  
“Oh, hey.” Rishi looks awkward to have been caught out like this, unable to hide the flush of annoyance still high on his cheeks.

  
“You alright?” Danny lacks his brother’s tact, but reaches out to squeeze his brother-in-law’s shoulder in a gesture to settle him anyway.

  
“It took all my money, but won’t give up the candy,” Rishi sounds so small and defeated, that neither Richie nor Danny interrupt or offer platitudes. He looks even more embarrassed, if that’s possible, and scrambles to explain his logic.  
“I just…I wanted to get her some candy. That’s all.” He pushes himself off of the vending machine, gives it one last hateful glance before turning to the other two men, “woulda been nice…just to have something be normal. I miss normal.”

  
“Step aside!” Danny waves Rishi off to the side to stand with his brother.

  
“This machine is evil, but once you know its tricks,” he throws them both a smug smile, before heaving his entire weight against the vending machine so it teeters back a bit. He does the same from the right side, and then gives it four swift hard kicks on its left side with the toe of his boot. The machine whirrs, squeaks and groans noisily before finally releasing its bounty. The three men can’t help but double over and burst into laughter.

  
It actually takes all of them to carry the haul back to the table Danny and Richie had been sitting at. A pleasant silence falls over them for a minute, as their moods are slightly lifted by the glorious sight of this mountain of candy. A moment of success in seemingly endless days of failure, Danny scoffs softly to himself. “Look at us, getting shit done,” he breaks the silence; with a tight bitter smirk he can’t seem to shake off. No one responds to this, instead they just return to stare silently at the full table.

  
“Sorry for the patented Lahiri drama there, fellas.” Rishi shrugs and smiles sheepishly, then turns to Danny. “How are you holding up?”  
When Danny doesn’t respond, Rishi proves himself a true Lahiri by being brave and opening up first. “My parents are with her. I was supposed to go in as well, but…” He shrugs again, awkward once more. “I dunno, I thought I’d wait a beat,” the younger Castellano gives him an understanding nod, at which Rishi noticeably relaxes.

  
“At least she remembers you.” The words sound more pitiful than angry. Danny covers his mouth with the palm of his hand, scrubs it harshly across his jaw as if to take back what he’s just let slip out.

  
“She’s in love with you, Dan,” Richie seems certain, as Rishi nods in agreement. “You just have to help her remember,” Richie insists, fixing his brother with a firm look that reminds Danny of their mother’s unwavering faith.

  
Unconsciously, Danny's fingers move to the bump underneath his t-shirt, to where the proof of her love hangs limply on a necklace. It makes his gut wrench almost immediately, so he cups his hands over his knees to stop himself from going there again.

  
“You’re not alone. We’re all family!” Rishi declares, but Danny can’t bear to look at either one of them. Nevertheless he can sense them inch closer to him, flanking him in support.

  
“How?” It’s all he manages to get out.

  
“It’s not gonna be easy,” his little brother says, while slinging an arm around Danny’s shoulders. “We’re here to help you though,” Rishi (his other little brother) offers eagerly and also folds himself into their makeshift huddle.

  
Danny murmurs his assent, his thanks. He still has a family; the life he’s built with Mindy hasn’t disappeared just because she can’t reach it anymore. Danny has to remind her, to win her back. If he can't have faith for the both of them, then how can he convince her that any of this is real or even worth remembering?

  
He glances at his two brothers, now joking with one another as they each dig into a bag of sour straws. He can’t help but feel a little lighter at the sight of them. He isn’t alone in this. He doesn’t have to face this by himself.

  
Danny will have to repeat that a million more times until it starts to feel like the truth. Until he actually believes it.

* * *

_  
“Daniel, it’s so good to finally meet you.”_

_  
__The second after she had opened the door, Pahal Lahiri gathered him into a warm maternal hug and effectively erased any residual nervousness still fluttering in the pit of his belly. Danny closed his eyes for a beat before stepping out of the embrace, only to be nudged hard in his side by Mindy’s elbow. Expecting her to look smug, instead he looked over to find his girlfriend beaming at him with an intense sort of joy. Danny couldn’t help but offer her a lopsided smile in return, his heart doing the silliest cartwheels inside his chest. It was dawning on him, more so every day, that he would do just about anything to make this woman happy._

 _  
__“Yes ma’am, I’m very pleased we’re getting a chance to do this.”_

 _  
__Mindy clasped his hand in both of hers, stood on the tips of her toes to press a long kiss on his cheek. Pahal cooed with delight as Mindy wiped away traces of her lipstick, causing him to blush even more brightly than he ever thought possible._

 _  
__They were ushered into the house and soon found themselves seated at the dining room table, in front of what could only be described as a feast. It seemed their mothers had a lot more in common than either of them had thought.  
_ _Mindy’s mom looked around the room, displeased with something as she placed her hands on her hips. “Oh that man…” she muttered and rushed out like she was on a mission. Not long after, a flustered looking Devak Lahiri appeared to have been dragged out of his study by his wife to join them in the dining room. In what looked to be a well-practiced move, Pahal smoothed a hand along her husband’s hair in an attempt to tame it somewhat. Mrs. Lahiri fussed over her husband a bit longer, until he managed to wriggle free enough to remove the small reading glasses still perched on his nose and turn to face Danny._

 _  
_ _"Oh my, so you’re Mindy’s boy,” the grey haired man declared plainly, the statement making Danny’s chest tight with pride. He agreed wholeheartedly and would happily be known by that title for the rest of his life._

 _  
__“I’m terribly sorry for making you wait, I must’ve forgotten the time,” Devak looked genuinely contrite and gave a fond smile before shaking hands with his daughter’s suitor._

 _  
_ _M_ _indy’s parents were quite possibly the sweetest people Danny had ever met, which made him feel silly for having worried about this visit in the first place. There was a casual ease to them and the way they treated him. It was as if they had been expecting this moment for much longer than the three months Danny and Mindy had been together. It made Danny wonder how much Mindy had told them about him prior to their romance._

 _  
__They ate with gusto and talked about everything and nothing. It felt like Danny was part of the family already, which made him bold enough to take hold of Mindy’s hand from time to time. Mindy looked surprised but very pleased by his bravery, in turn showing her own affection with soft touches here and there._

 _  
_ _"This was really delicious, Mrs. Lahiri!”_

 _  
__Danny chuckled softly when Mindy whispered ‘kiss-ass’ under her breath, so he decided to earn the title. “Please, let me help you clear up.” Pahal protested a bit, more for show than anything else, yet conceded quite happily when he insisted. Mindy made no move to help out, instead scooting over one seat to sit closer to her father. She looked happy._

 _  
__Danny and Pahal worked in companionable silence, loading the dishwasher and scooping up leftovers in various containers. Danny was drying his hands on the bright towel dangling from a hook next to the oven, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “You’re a lovely young man for helping an old lady out like that,” Pahal Lahiri smiled sweetly, her soft graceful appearance far removed from her own description. “No trouble at all, it’s the least I could do.” He explained about his own mother’s Sunday dinners, how this felt so familiar. Mrs. Lahiri seemed genuinely touched by the comparison. Danny knew this was the perfect moment, so he dug his hands deep in his pockets and ducked his head a little._

 _  
__“I meant to call you.”_

 _  
__The older woman quirked her head a little at this, and suddenly he felt those silly nerves again. “What I mean to say is, I was anxious to speak with both yourself and Mr. Lahiri before this visit in order to – I don’t know, I guess so I could ask for advice.”_

 _  
__Mrs. Lahiri moved elegantly towards the breakfast nook of the kitchen, motioning for him to join her there. She nodded as if to say he should continue._

 _  
__“I love your daughter.” He had hoped for a more poetic way to express it, but the truth was beautiful enough in its simplicity. He placed both hands on the table, interlocking his fingers tightly, feigning a sturdiness he didn’t feel._

 _  
_ _“I know it hasn’t been long, but three months with your daughter is already more real than anything else in my life. Me and Min,” he hesitated, “we’ve always been sorta inevitable.” Danny searched her eyes, hoping she understood how deep and desperate his feelings were._

 _  
_ _“I just don’t want to waste any more time. Mindy is my future and –” Pahal stilled his trembling hands with her own, her poise calming him a bit._

 _  
__Bolder now, Danny dug around in his pocket and produced a plain ring box that he’d been carting around for weeks now. He popped it open. It was clear Mindy had inherited her bubbly enthusiasm from her mother when a short girly squeal burst out of this poised lady at the sight of the ring. This broke the tension and they both just grinned at each other from across the breakfast table._

 _  
__“So, what I wanted to know was…” Danny gulped audibly.  
_ _“Oh darling boy, Mindy had said you were old fashioned, but there’s no need for all that,” Pahal interrupted and patted his hand again. “It’s perfectly clear. You two are and will always be madly in love with one another.”_

 _  
__At the sight of Danny’s fast reddening face, she tutted at him. “Now stop that nonsense. I adore that this is the kind of man in my daughter’s life. And well…”  
_ _She pursed her lips in a very Mindy-esque manner and actually winked at him.  
_ _“I give you permission to propose to my daughter.”_

 _  
_ _Clicking the ring box shut, she pressed it back into his hands. “And don’t even trouble yourself with Devak, that man is absolutely **awful** when it comes to secrets.”_

 _  
__“Just like his daughter then.”_

* * *

   
“I’m terribly sorry. I feel absolutely dreadful. It’s just that I thought that you’d already been to see her, Doctor.”

  
“This is unacceptable!” The doctor doesn’t even bother to keep his voice low, his neck red and splotchy as he allows his anger to run away with him.  
“What the hell am I supposed to say to her husband now?”

  
“Danny, oh god,” Sonja blushes bright crimson when she spots him. The colour only intensified when she notices Dr. Hayes’ obvious scowl, which all but reduces her to tears. “I…I mean Dr. Castellano of course,” she amends meekly, “I’m really sorry I didn’t mean for any of this.”

  
Dr. Hayes takes care to button his white coat slowly, and it is obvious that he is distancing himself from the woman he had just been reprimanding.  
“Dr. Castellano, I am sorry you had to see this.” He heaves an exaggerated sigh and gestures to the weary eyed woman beside him. “It appears our _capable_ nurse here misspoke and informed your wife of her impending release from the hospital.” A visible tremor goes through Sonja at his cold tone, her eyes downcast and defeated. None of this deters Dr. Hayes from zeroing in on her though.

  
“Please rest assured that this matter will be dealt with accordingly.”

  
Danny balls his hand up into a fist and it takes everything in him to resist the instinct to take this bully down a peg. He takes a deep breath, and starts to speak in a clipped tone. “That won’t be necessary. Sonja has been a rock and I don’t think any of us would’ve survived this ordeal without her comforting and capable presence.” Danny fits the Doctor with a steely look that conveys that this is the last he’ll hear of it. “It was an honest mistake, right Doc?” He doesn’t bother to register the man’s response and instead turns to face the lovely woman in pink scrubs.

  
Danny lets one corner of his mouth tick up, softening his voice as he places a warm hand on her forearm. “It’s really fine, Sonja. These things happen. Is she…did she take it alright?” He watches Sonja become more flustered, as she clearly has no idea how to answer him. Granting her another half smile, Danny hooks his thumb in the direction of Mindy’s hospital room, “I’ll go see to it.”

  
At this point in his life, he is practically a professional when it comes to projecting a confidence he doesn’t feel. He mutters once more to the nurse that it’s all ok and manages to keep his smile intact long enough for it to seem genuine.

  
Danny is almost halfway through the doorway, when he catches himself and knocks on the door. “Sorry, I forgot –”

  
Mindy doesn’t look bothered, “no, it’s fine. I was just kind of sitting here.”

  
He walks further into the room, the hand with his wedding band tucked firmly in his pocket. He’s learned his lesson at this point, but doesn’t have the heart to actually take the ring off altogether.

  
“Yeah, you had a busy day.” His words come out stilted and make him cringe.

  
Mindy just nods. She looks exhausted. Maybe he should’ve waited a bit before coming in here. He can’t seem to find any of that energy that had sent him bolting out of the cafeteria. Rishi and Richie would not be impressed right now.

  
“You can sit down, I won’t bite.”

  
Danny looks up in surprise to find her smiling a little. His heart does a pirouette at the sight of it. He takes the seat next to her bed.

  
“Danny…” it seems he’s been staring at his feet again, making things that extra bit awkward. “I’m not freaking out, just in case you were wondering. About what Sonja said. I’m not. I’m actually sorta kinda alright-ish.” Mindy chuckles lightly, raising her hands like it’s as much of a surprise to her as it is to him.

  
“I wanted to tell you myself. Last I heard, Dr. Hayes wasn’t sure about the date yet. So yeah – I’m sorry you found out like that. If you don’t want –” he can’t bear to finish the sentence, but he knows he has to. “What I’m saying is, it’s ok if you want to go stay at your parents’ for a while. I mean, I get it.” Mindy quirks an eyebrow at this, so he adds, “Don’t like it, but I will do whatever you want, Min.”

  
“I spoke to Gwen today.” Mindy plays with the end of her sheet, digs a nail in the seam, not meeting his eyes. “And I realised something,” she looks up, brown eyes wide and a little wet. “I never asked if you were okay,” her voice cracks as a thick tear rolls down her cheek. “I’m sorry about that, Danny. Cause I do care, and I do wanna know if you are. Okay, that is.” Mindy shakes her head, seemingly displeased with the clumsy pattern her words had decided to arrange themselves in.

  
“Yeah,” Danny leans over to dry her cheek, but stops himself from reaching out to take hold of her hand. He sits a little too straight, smiles a little too wide.

  
“You know me, Min. I’m always okay.”

 


	7. Say Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Music:** _I’m In Here_ – Sia  
>  _Fever To The Form_ – Nick Mulvey
> 
> An angsty update to celebrate Chris Messina's birthday seemed appropriate!
> 
> I so appreciate your kudos and comments. I know it's slow going but RL currently has a way of smothering all inspiration to write. I am immensely thankful to those who are sticking by me.
> 
> Two very big sloppy kisses for my darlings PhunkyBrewster & tinyfierceandsassy (aka Hawkeye) for their wonderful beta skills.

  
I like to think I’m brave. I like to think this hasn’t changed, despite me missing bits of my own history. It is just that cowardice and fear have a way of sneaking up on you. They manage to make your head feel dizzy in a way that shatters delicate things hidden at your core. If you consider that I am not even sure what types of fragile things my memory has hidden away in its folds, it’s no wonder that I feel adamant to be strong or at least fake it until I make it.

  
Dressed demurely in muted tones, I feel like a grey mouse, smaller in a way that only feeds my niggling apprehension.  Tucking my hands into my long sleeves, I can’t help but wish I’d been enveloped in something bold and colourful so I might use it as some sort of makeshift armour. The idea that Danny Castellano cared enough to take the time to assemble this drab mismatched outfit is an unsettling blend of confounding and endearing. My forehead crinkles into a frown, as my thoughts feel unkind and ungrateful towards the sweet man to my left.

  
He is being terribly quiet though, to the point that it’s making me seriously reconsider all of this. It hadn’t bothered me during the cab ride from the hospital, but then again I was too engrossed in staring out of the window. I was carefully eyeing the city to see if I could spot any changes, identify those signs that would prove without a shadow of a doubt that time had actually passed. I failed to find any and let the buzz and blur of the city sweep over me. New York City looked fast, busy and unaffected by my personal drama. This was all so comfortingly familiar that it did slightly settle my frayed nerves. I was home. I knew this place at least.

  
Except right now, the quiet is burrowing into me like an itch somewhere deep down inside of me. I can abide a lot; lord knows I’ve proven this in the past couple of days. However, this man silently buzzing with tension next to me, basically ready to jump out of his own skin, is slowly starting to make me feel smothered. I glance over to him, unsure of how to break the pressure weighing down upon us. Mundane pleasantries skip along my tongue, but none are worth enough to break the silence. I just bite my lip, a little angry or maybe just sad because I should know what to do. After all, I’m the person who should know this man better than anyone else in the world. Yet here I am, shuffling awkwardly from one foot to another, the scuff of shoes against the floor the only sound in this empty hallway.

  
Some spiteful part of my psyche reminds me that Mindy Castellano would’ve known exactly what to do. That itch inside of me matures into a sharp frustration. It’s the same feeling I used to get in school if I didn’t understand something right away. I would know it was in there somewhere, hidden in some obscure wrinkle of my brain, yet something was keeping me from dislodging it.

  
Danny punches the call button again, agitatedly tapping his foot when the elevator doesn’t immediately materialise when beckoned. Ok, so patience is not one of Danny Castellano’s virtues, yet I’d hoped that the fact that we were no longer at the hospital would have mellowed him out instead of frazzling him so.  
I suppress the annoyed sigh that wants to push out of me and instead flick my index finger against the scrap of paper taped rather inconspicuously to the wall beside the elevator doors. The sound jolts him enough to finally notice that I am in fact standing next to him. He looks pale and his face can’t seem to settle on just one emotion for longer than a beat. My mouth manages the acrobatic feat of moulding itself into something akin to a smile.

  
“Out of order. I guess it’s the stairs then.” I keep my tone light and am again proud of how together I am right now.

  
A muscle starts ticking at Danny’s jaw, his gaze returning to the smooth elevator doors that have disappointed him so. He clenches his teeth so hard I can hear it and I catch myself wanting to trail a fingertip along the tense muscles right there. Confused by what this instinct means, I sensibly curl my fingers into my warm palm and walk towards the stairwell.

  
He grumbles something at me, which makes me halt in place and half-turn on my heel. His face is flushed now, as if he hadn’t expected me to wait, while his eyes remain transfixed on his shoes.

  
“Sorry?”

  
“It’s quite a few flights, Min…and you’ve only just gotten out of the hospital. I…”

  
I roll my eyes at him because it feels natural and because he’s an idiot. I will not be treated like I’m made of glass. I want to smack him all of a sudden, because I had hoped he’d make this easier for me. Apparently my freedom from the hospital had strings attached to it and I don’t care to be monitored any longer. Irritation heats my face, but I don’t want Danny to see as I do have some small sense of pride left here. I don’t even bother with words and stomp up the stairs, not waiting to see if he’s caught on and is following.

  
I startle when his fingers lightly brush my sleeve to stop my ascent.  
“Min.” I can hear him swiftly swallow the _‘baby’_ he wanted to tack on at the end of my name. I’m not sure why his restraint makes me so uncomfortable. He drops his hand and wipes the palm on his leg. I feel like an asshole all of a sudden. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so fragile.

  
“You’re **not** carrying me!” I know I’ve said this too sharply when he winces. To make amends, I arrange his arm so that he’s closer and his hand is a warm solid presence against the small of my back. I grip the banister and nod then, I’ll not be a brat about this. Danny coughs to clear his throat and valiantly tries to school his face.

  
“Come on then, Castellano.” I smile, but avoid his eyes as I’m frightened of the naked emotion they might hold.

  
It is a slow process going upstairs since I make us stop several times to catch my breath or tamp down a dizzy spell. At the last section of the stairwell, I’ve all but crumbled against Danny’s frame and his strong arm has banded itself around my waist. It’s frankly the only thing that’s keeping me upright at this point. I can see the worry streak along his face, the tick returned at his jaw and I feel guilty for it.

  
“I should’ve…” I don’t try to hide how winded I am and take a long shaky breath, “shoulda just let you carry me up.” It is meant to be amusing but flops miserably, causing his fingers to twitch at my waist.  
He doesn’t say anything though, only carefully moves my right arm around his shoulder to provide me with more support. Once again I am confronted by what a good man Danny is. I let two fingertips skim along the hairs at the nape of his neck, too tired to be mindful and stop myself from getting carried away. He stiffens for a moment and licks his lips. I’ve clearly messed up and retreat my wandering fingertips immediately. He’s quiet again, but it’s a different sort, it’s a sadder silence now.

  
We finally reach the floor of Danny’s apartment – our apartment I guess, and I press my weary body against the nearest wall while Danny digs for his keys. I can tell he wants to hover, to check me over and make sure I won’t collapse. He doesn’t though, giving me space to gather myself and I’m not entirely sure why that disappoints me. I shut my eyes and try to ignore the swirl at the centre of my belly.

  
Danny is being careful again once he has opened the front door. He flicks on the light, pockets his keys and then returns to gather me. I will my wobbly knees to stop their silliness and pull my sleeves down to mask the tremor in my hands. Although he’s trying quite hard not to be obvious about it, I can tell that his moves are slow and calculated, as if he is approaching some feral animal and does not wish to startle it.  
Danny looks so earnest, with his hand tentatively hovering just inches away from my lower back as he guides us into the apartment. I allow myself to lean on him a bit, clasp my small hand on his forearm for balance. He exhales audibly and it reminds me that this must be strange for him as well. Before I can let any guilt take hold of me, Danny presses his hand close against me, more confident now, and moves it in small soothing circles against my back.

  
I want to laugh at myself. At this whole situation. At how out of hand all of it has gotten. It’s just an apartment, one I’ve been to before, one I actually remember.  
With a deep fortifying breath, I focus on keeping calm, on the task of not ruining this moment. This really isn’t so bad, I declare silently and nearly believe it.

  
At first glance, Danny’s place looks the same, which soothes me almost as much as his hand still rubbing gently against the small of my back. It takes me a couple of seconds to notice how it’s different. A grim chill goes through me, causing me to step away from Danny’s touch as fields of goosebumps begin to bloom all over my body.

  
Slowly I make my way towards the couch, picking up a pillow adorned with a vibrant flower pattern and holding it tight against me. I don’t feel brave enough to glance back at Danny, so instead move around the space and note how much lighter it has become since I last saw it.

 _  
I did this_. I can’t help the thought from reverberating through me. This simple fact shocks its way along my bones and I cling to the pillow in my arms like an anchor. I guess a part of me still thought that it wasn’t true. I wanted to see for myself, come into this house and try and find traces of myself. Perhaps it would jog something loose, make me stop disappointing all these people. I look around and am confronted with a life that is supposed to belong to me. Except this doesn’t feel like home, this feels like some disgusting farce that’s gone on for too long.

  
Something sickening, cold and detached hits me right below the ribs, pierces right through me until I can’t seem to catch my next breath. Within an instance, Danny’s too warm hand is on the back of my neck, sweeping my hair to the side and settling me back on the couch. My chin quivers, because I’m the asshole who forgot he was in the room at all. I watch his lips move, mesmerised and mute, and I allow my fingers to press against that spot on his jaw that had been ticking so fiercely earlier.

  
Tears feel hot and urgent, but I can’t cry in front of him. I can’t afford any more guilty feelings. I don’t think I would be able to handle it. I give him a wobbly smile and blink back any weakness wanting to leak out of me.

  
“I just need a drink of water.”

  
It isn’t a complete lie as my mouth does feel dry, but mostly I need him to walk away from me before I end up clinging to him too tightly. Danny is the only familiar thing in a day that’s been consistently throwing me for a loop. I know him. I know he’s a good man. I know he’d not lie to me.  
I push the flowery pillow off of me. Yeah, it is really beautiful but it isn’t mine. Not truly. None of this is, even though I can see my touches – my tastes – sprinkled generously all over Danny’s space. Mindy Castellano seems to have brought some light into what used to be a dark man cave. Although I don’t know this woman, I am acutely aware of how fiercely they all want her back.

  
Danny pushes a tall glass of water into my hands and doesn’t move his away until after I’ve taken a long sip. He chews his bottom lip when I hand him the empty glass. This entire scene reminds me of how we were in the hospital and it’s infuriating how I seem to be stuck repeating myself. I’m overcome with a deep want to cup his face and apologise for everything. However I truly don’t know where to start. Clearly, I can see my friend’s heart breaking, yet all I’m good for is to poke at his wound.

  
“Do you want me to call your parents? Maybe…maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”

  
His words make my gut churn. I move to touch him, but stop myself in time. Wringing my hands together, I do know I don’t want him to look this sad.  
I shake my head, weakly at first, because maybe it would be easier – less painful if I were elsewhere. I think about my parents, tears welling up once more. His brown eyes flick up to meet mine, but I am a coward so I look away.

  
“I can do this.” My words make him wince again. I belatedly realise I’ve made it sound like this is a chore, a burden of some sort. This time, I do reach out to place my hand over his. “What I mean is, yeah it’s a lot...god, it’s just really weird.” I meet his gaze this time; hold it because I do care about this man and I need him to know.

  
“I wanna try.”

  
Danny lets his thumb graze my knuckles for a second and I have to swallow hard to not instantly tuck my hand back into my lap.

 

* * *

 

  
The rest of the evening is spent in silence, although it isn’t as thick as before as some of the earlier tension has bled out to provide us with a little room to breathe. I focus on small things. On the fact that Danny has ordered food from my favourite Thai place, and that this apparently hasn’t changed in all these years. Although I can only manage about three bites, it’s comforting to grab hold of this steady familiarity for a moment. Danny tries hard to keep his feelings sealed away so as to not burden me. I try not to feel bad about this. It isn’t easy and I am soon yawning aloud from the day’s activities, from the constant pretending.

  
Danny rises quickly then and disappears into another room. He returns with a pair of neatly folded pyjamas. A faint blush moves high along his jaw, as he ducks his head a little. The sight of him like this brings up a faint memory of him dancing for me and suddenly I feel my own face flush.

  
“You like this pair,” he says by way of explanation as he places the garments into my hands. “When you’ve had a hard day, you like to wear these cause they’re snuggly,” the last word is said under his breath and my heart clenches at the sight of him. I try to gift him with a smile; despite how odd it is seeing Danny being this self-conscious. It’s even stranger that he’d know all these little facts about me. I can’t match the Danny I know with this openly tender man in front of me right now.

  
“I’ll take the couch.” When I don’t move, fluffy PJs held awkwardly in my hand, he starts to look a little dejected. “The bedroom is that way,” he adds meekly, openly blushing now, and motions behind me.

  
I nod, vaguely remembering the layout of the place from some distant party, but happy that he confirmed where I have to be. Once I close the bedroom doors, I feel the tightness in my chest give way some. I move fast, changing into the surprisingly comfortable PJs quickly so I don’t have time to consider any more things. I slip under the covers and my body is immediately grateful.

  
While I try to find a comfortable spot in this oversized bed, Gwen’s words sneak into my sleepy mind. They whisper at me, overwhelming truths that I have no evidence for. They whisper about how happy and in love I was.

I hadn’t let myself think of what she said at the end, just before Sonja had interrupted, as I didn’t think I could handle it. I had tucked it away somewhere, to be dealt with when I was sturdier. Yet here it was now, sneaking up on me and making me ache in places I didn’t know I had – for things I didn’t know I wanted with the man on the other side of those doors.

  
I press my face into a pillow in an attempt to stanch the flow of tears leaking out of me. In a delicate move, one I’m not sure I mean to make, I rest the palm of my hand just below my belly button and rub it a little.

  
Thankfully my worn-out body drags me off into a deep sleep before I can further worry myself over what-ifs.

 

 


	8. The Truth Is In The Details

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Music:** _Retrograde_ – James Blake  
>  _Cold Front_ – Laura Welsh
> 
> Apologies for the long wait, but at this point I feel like y'all are used to that from me ;) To atone though, I offer you this mad long chapter! 
> 
> Thank you for the immensely flattering comments on the last chapter. It's always good to hear whether your words resonate with your reader - so I appreciate you taking the time to comment and/or leave kudos. Very kind!
> 
> As always, beta's are the best <3 Don't forget to hug yours!

 

Exactly 17 minutes have passed since she disappeared behind those doors.  
Danny doesn’t even have to look at the clock, it’s like he can feel the minutes – god, probably even the seconds – ticking away inside of him.  
 

For the first minute or two, he just stood there in the middle of the living room, thumb pressed firmly against his wedding band. Ever since the accident, it had become a habit of sorts, just a light touch against the hard surface. The act had begun to soothe him somewhat, like a buoy to grab onto amidst all the madness and grief. It served as a tangible reminder that he wasn’t drowning at all – that he couldn’t afford to, since he had something precious to fight for.  
Once shaken out of his trance, Danny made the most out of those remaining 15 minutes, doing anything and everything to keep himself busy. He put away the leftover takeout in the fridge, did the dishes and cleaned every surface he could see about three times over.

Now here he is, back where he started 17 minutes ago, blindly rubbing thumb against ring again, unsure of what to do with himself now that he doesn’t have her to look after. Once more in the middle of the living room, Danny valiantly tries not to stare in the direction of the bedroom.

 _  
She must be so scared though, so alone._ The thoughts nestle deep in his belly, stirring up that vicious fear he had been trying so hard to swallow down ever since the accident. His mind races into areas he had wanted to stay out of – _if only he could hold her and make it a little less scary_.  
His wants bleed into his worries and Danny is acutely aware of how messed up that is. If he were honest with himself he’d admit that holding her, touching his wife without her flinching away from him is something he desperately craved. Perhaps one easy familiar moment like that could be enough to dispel the constant drone of doubts eager to overtake whatever semblance of hope he has left. Yes, it is insanely selfish. It’s just… Danny grimaces, ashamed.

He balls one hand into a tight fist and slams it into his thigh. It snaps him out of it a little and he moves to gather the blankets he’d put out in order to fashion himself a bed out of the couch. The task of folding and tucking blankets is calming in a way, allowing his mind to take a well-needed pause from its countdown.

Fuck.  
 

He forgot his pillow.

  
So for one rather long and desperate moment, he allows himself to indulge and stare off in the direction of where his wife is sleeping. Where he wishes he could join her and forget about everything that’s gone wrong. This is not how he had imagined their homecoming to be. This is not what he had prayed for.  
A swoop of that good old Catholic guilt moves through his stomach. Swift and cold. Danny licks his dry lips. Count your blessings, he silently scolds at himself. After all, she’s awake and she’s here. The thought is followed with one more unforgiving punch against his thigh.

Danny stiffly makes himself pick up a decorative pillow off the couch – the one she’d been cradling earlier – and places it atop his “bed”. He shucks off his clothes until he’s left in just his boxers and crawls underneath the blankets, exhaustion having snuck up on him all at once. He can’t remember the last time he really slept somewhere other than in a hospital chair. He feels drained, boneless and quite desperate for the sliver of oblivion a good night's sleep might offer him.  
  


* * *

_  
“Ma, I’m a grown man. If I say I’m okay, I am.”_

_  
_ _Danny was seething but kept his voice low. As silly as it might be, he didn’t want Mindy to hear them arguing and brushed a careful touch along her upturned palm in silent apology._

 _  
_ _He stood up then, and yeah maybe he was a little unsteady on his feet. So what? None of that gave them the right to ambush him with some faux intervention while his wife was…Danny really didn’t have the strength to finish that thought. It simply wasn’t something he was equipped for yet._

 _  
_ _Yes, he knew that his edges had become a bit frayed. It made sense to be on edge when his life had all of a sudden become so disturbingly uncertain. However since this was no one’s business but his own, he sure as hell wasn’t going to admit this fact aloud. Shaky limbs be damned.  
_ _Danny wanted to look back at her, to draw some comfort from her as he’d always done – except she was so terribly still now. As if she’d been hollowed out entirely.  
_ _A fierce tremor went through his right hand so he dug it into his hair to conceal it._

 _  
_ _Danny clenched his jaw and straightened himself, despite how much his body ached with every move. This was normal, he mutely reassured himself. Who wouldn’t be a little creaky at the joints after having been glued to that plastic chair at Mindy’s bedside ever since – once more, he swiftly steered his thoughts away from those dark heavy places, instead focusing his attention on the concerned family members gathered in front of him._

 _  
_ _“I don’t want to do this here,” Danny hissed unkindly, as he strode towards them. “There’s no point. I’m not leaving her side, **won’t** leave her alone.”  
_ _The machines monitoring Mindy’s vitals, the ones helping her breathe seemed to get a lot louder just then, as if to underline his words. This wasn’t the way to go about expressing their concern for him and it certainly wasn’t the right place for it either. He didn’t have the energy to explain this to them, especially when they should’ve known better. Danny watched them all pale, some sickly mix of shame and grief flashing across their faces. Good, he wanted them all out._

_He didn’t want their pity. He was perfectly fine. He could do this. He had to do this._

_  
_ _Richie and Rishi were the first to back out of the hospital room and return to the family lounge down the hall. Too sheepish to give a response to Danny’s words, the two young men simply nodded and both clasped a strong hand on his shoulder before exiting. They had just wanted to help – he saw it in their eyes. Why couldn’t he just let them help?_

 _His indignation fizzled out and Danny was left feeling petty and cruel. He nearly called them back in to apologise. Except what could he say? That he was losing his wife and no one could fix that? Not even him, the man who had sworn to protect her for the rest of their lives. Truthfully, he had lost his grasp on things the moment he’d seen his hands covered with Mindy’s blood, which left him with no kind words to spare for anyone. Least of all for himself.  
_ _Danny didn’t have to look up since he could actually sense Silvia Castellano’s disappointment press down upon him. It stifled him and pushed the air out of his lungs so it came out in a long tired sigh. He took a beat to steel himself when it became clear that his Ma and Mindy’s parents would not to be as easily deterred as his brothers._

_“Son,” Devak began sheepishly, clearly unsure on how to proceed. Despite the man’s warm hand resting on his arm, Danny wasn’t quite ready to meet Devak’s gentle eyes. He probably wouldn’t keep it together if Danny saw his own raw pain reflected in this kind man’s gaze. It baffled Danny, that despite the fact that it was Devak’s own daughter lying there, this man still found the strength to comfort him._

_“Daniel, this is not an attack, but an act of love.” Danny bit his lip hard to stop it from trembling. Devak just smiled in that soft way of his, before continuing.  
_ _“I know you’re terrified. We’re all scared, son. Just…it’s okay to let us help you. You don’t have to carry all of this by yourself. This is what family does, we keep each other up when it gets hard.” Mindy’s father gave a quick glance towards his daughter’s still form. He took a fortifying breath, and then another, before settling his focus back on Danny. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know – to be scared or to need help. You’re not alone, son. Remember that!”_

_It was probably the most Danny had ever heard his father-in-law say. Something tight, bitter and angry uncoiled a little in his chest once Devak tucked Danny into a reassuring hug. The older man had said his piece and somehow appeared lighter because of it. He cupped one side of Danny’s face with his palm, gave him a short firm nod before walking out of the room._

_  
_ _In a harsh punishing move, Danny pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to sit back down on that blasted plastic chair and just hold Mindy’s hand. He could focus on how soft and tiny they were. That he could do. He would hold onto the fact that her heart was still beating, that she was still warm to the touch. He’d keep her in his sight and concentrate all his love and prayers on this woman he couldn’t bear to lose._

 _  
_ _Except they simply wouldn’t let him do that, they wouldn’t let him be. As he had feared, they seemed strangely determined to pluck at his tattered edges – one thread at a time, until he couldn’t keep himself together any longer, until he was completely unmade. Frankly, he wasn’t sure if he could handle any more bits of him becoming unravelled. God, he just wanted to hold his wife’s hand in peace.  
_ _Just as he was about to declare that this was all too much, Danny felt his mother’s embrace surround him, tight and strong. Danny genuinely hadn’t known he had been craving this comfort until his body sagged into it. He hadn’t allowed himself to crave anything – whether it were food, sleep or support for that matter._

_Danny let her hold him up, but only because he didn’t trust his limbs to do their job. He refused to cry though. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Mostly because he was pretty sure that if he started he’d never be able to stop._

_  
_ _“Please, Ma. I can’t…you know I can’t.” Danny was barely audible against his mother’s shoulder, but he knew she had heard him when she trailed soothing fingers from the back of his neck into his hair and along his scalp.  
_ _“I know, baby,” Silvia’s whisper was gentle, careful. She could probably see the loose threads that were holding him together. She gave him a long steady kiss on his forehead before touching her hand against the bump beneath his shirt.  
_ _The St. Christopher’s medallion and Mindy’s ring._

 _  
_ _Once more, his mother was reminding him to keep faith._

 _  
_ _At this point, he had to wipe his cheeks dry, vaguely aware of Silvia and Pahal’s soft whispers to one another. He looked up to see the two women hugging tightly. Danny couldn’t help but think how happy this sight would have made his wife – to see how their families had fused together so beautifully._

 _  
_ _“Daniel,” Pahal began, just as his mother was leaving the room. “Come here, please. Sit by me for a moment.” Ever since that night in her kitchen in Boston, when he’d declared his intentions for her daughter, Danny felt a special fondness towards this graceful lady. She had a calm about her, one that seemed to stretch out so far that it managed to actually envelop and warm you from the inside out.  
_ _Danny followed her obediently, as he was in dire need of some calm._

 _  
_ _“That’s my baby over there,” Pahal sounded small and nervous, surprising both of them with her shaky hands and watery eyes. Yet as was becoming of such a self-aware woman, Mindy’s mother was quick to gather herself, albeit still visibly unhappy with how much she’d let slip past her cool veneer. Danny observed how his mother-in-law pointedly avoided looking back to the hospital bed to face the reality of the situation, how instead she inhaled deeply through her nose to focus herself. With her lips pressed into a tight thin line, Pahal took Danny’s hand in hers, her nail lightly tapping against the gold band on his finger. An unclear emotion briefly etched itself on her face, but before he had a chance to recognise it she had swiftly hidden it away again._

_He could see she was a woman on a mission. Her spine straight and rigid, her long neck elegant but stiff. He recognised his wife’s strength in Mrs. Lahiri and the thought made him want to cry out in pain. This was clearly a last ditch effort at the family’s intervention and Pahal had drawn the short straw. Danny’s thoughts were bitter. Except he realised, he had no right really, not when all of them were hurting. Danny squeezed her hand to snap her out of her reverie. It was a move meant to placate, to let her know that he would stop his petulance and encourage her to continue. With her eyes a little wet, she smiled at him then, grateful and loving._

_  
_ _“It’s been 4 days now.” Danny’s stomach sank at the words, but he was determined to meet her gaze. “We don’t know how much longer she’ll be –” The older woman shook her head gently, losing her words for a moment._

 _  
_ _“Look, you’re no good to her like this.”_

 _  
All the while, she was caressing his arm in gentle pacifying motions that went up and down in a lovely loop. Slowly, he found himself relaxing into her touch.  
_ _Four days. Time hadn’t been of any concern, something too abstract for him to comprehend. Except now that he had been confronted with it, made aware of this hideous fact, something foul and angry curdled inside of him._

_  
Danny looked down at himself. Still in the same clothes he had been wearing during the accident. Torn, bloody and above all else quite smelly. No wonder his family had set this meeting up in order to save him from himself._

_  
_ _Danny nodded, she was right. He was no good like this. If she woke up – no, no… **when** she woke up, she would need him and this would not cut it._

_  
“So yes, I know…we shouldn’t have ambushed you like this. We realise that now, sweetie.” Pahal gave him a look of remorse while still maintaining her calming touches along the length of his arm._

_  
_ _“But it’s hard to watch you like this, Daniel. You clearly haven’t been eating…and I **know** you don’t sleep.” She bit the inside of her cheek and shakily tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear. Danny could practically see the words she was swallowing down._

 _  
__“Daniel, you know we’ll sit with Mindy. You know we’ll watch over her. So…”  
__His mother-in-law crooked a finger under his chin when he averted his eyes from hers, “you_ **are** allowed to take a breath. It doesn’t make you a bad husband. It just makes you human, darling.” She tried for a smile, but her eyes gave away her hurt. “Besides, we’re all here!” Her tone brooked no argument.

_  
“I’m just afraid that…” Danny’s face twisted into a sneer, “I’m afraid that if I leave. If I leave her side even for a second, that something bad will happen,” he glanced down at his hands, remembering all the blood – her blood. “I know it’s stupid – but I can’t sleep, can’t even close my eyes ‘cause I’m so scared she might vanish on me.” His words sounded distant, even to himself. Maybe she hadn’t heard him. Maybe he hadn’t said those stupid fucking things out loud._

_  
Danny hadn’t expected Pahal to pull him towards her and squeeze him so tightly that his breath left him for a second, all the while murmuring soft words he couldn’t quite catch. He certainly hadn’t been ready for her sobs. Fierce and unchecked, her entire frame shook because of them._

_  
_ _He was so terribly exhausted that he allowed her to lead him out of the hospital room, her hand in a firm clasp around his. Danny found himself in the family lounge, clean clothes pressed into his arms, while his family gave him tentative looks. He nodded back at them. Okay, fine, I concede. At least that’s what he had wanted to say. Instead, he just made his way to the nearest staff showers._

_  
Despite Danny having kept the shower short, he couldn’t deny it had helped ease some of his body’s numerous aches. With slow uncoordinated moves, he eventually got himself dressed into the clean clothes provided to him. He was in the midst of fumbling with his shoelaces, his fingers jittery and uncooperative, when his ears perked up and his fingers froze entirely._

**_  
Code Blue, Room 318._ **

_  
_ _His entire frame instantly went rigid, as if he were doused with ice water.  
_ _Danny shook his head. No, it couldn’t be. He was exhausted and imagining things, that’s all._

_  
The overhead page was repeated, the code and the room number undeniable this time around._

_  
Danny ran, lost a shoe halfway down the hallway, but kept on running. He caught the white of Dr. Hayes’ coat disappear into room 318, into Mindy’s room. He saw crash carts and heard flurries of medical jargon being shouted frantically. Danny gripped the doorframe, watching but not seeing, until a nurse saw him and guided him out of the room. The nurse was saying something, except he couldn’t hear her, all he could think was that he couldn’t see Mindy. She wasn’t breathing, she was coding – he was losing her._

_  
The machines wouldn’t stop screaming and Danny collapsed against a nearby wall. They’d done it – he wanted to throw up. They’d plucked at all his frayed messy edges until there was nothing left of him. Curled up into a small ball, he repeated that he’d never leave her side, no matter what anyone said. He’d never leave Mindy ever again, if only – God if only the machines would stop announcing his failure._

_  
No one from the family dared to come near him. No one would dare to tell him to take a break. Not after this. They wouldn’t dare._

_  
Except he was the one who’d done this._

_  
He’d left her. He’d left her. He’d left her…_

__  
Danny threw up just as the machines went silent.  
  


* * *

  
Danny jolts, nearly rolls off the couch but manages to grapple back onto it. He is a sweaty shaky mess and he can’t seem to catch his breath. It was just a dream, just a dream. He is annoyed, because he knows it’s a memory that will haunt him forever. “For fuck’s sake,” he growls before throwing the blankets off of him to get more air, more space. _  
_

  
It figures that the first night he actually tries to get some sleep, he is assaulted by nightmares. Danny roughly scrubs both hands across his face, as if that will somehow erase the fear that’s clawing at his gut. He can still feel that icy chill that went through him as he sprinted towards Mindy and cursed himself for having listened to his family. The memory is seared into his brain, sensations and all.

  
He hadn’t left her side after that. After the Code Blue. After the eerie silence of those machines he had come to rely on. Danny had seen her body violently convulsing right before they’d closed the door on him. She had been resuscitated and then she was still again. Unmoving but alive.

  
Danny gets up off the couch and moves towards their bedroom. He can’t help it – no, that’s not true – he doesn’t care right now. He just has to see, he has to see for himself that she’s alright. Carefully, Danny moves one door just a little, enough for him to see her without actually disturbing her rest.  
In the dim light streaming in from the window, Danny can just about make out her shape. He had expected relief, but this is something else, it knocks the air right out of him. She is splayed out diagonally across the bed, her chest rising and falling calmly, with her face nuzzled firmly into his pillow. The sight is so familiar that he nearly takes a step forward to join her. He catches himself before he makes a move.

  
Danny isn’t sure how long he stands there, staring at her, painstakingly registering her every breath like they might stop coming at any moment. Mindy makes those sweet mumbling noises in her sleep and he could swear he hears his name in there somewhere. He’s certain. She grips his pillow tighter and settles back down. Danny blinks a few times, his eyes feeling gritty and hot. With more than a little reluctance, he slides the door shut behind him, overwhelmed.

  
Danny makes his way to the kitchen to slap his face with handfuls of cold water. He tries to be diligent about not lingering at the bedroom doors. He does try. For about five minutes at least. And then he’s there again, sat in front of the doorway with his legs crossed, like a sentinel keeping harm at bay.

  
He isn’t sure how long he’s been sitting here, cautious about keeping his breaths soft and low so she doesn’t wake up, so he can still make out her gentle breathing through the sliding doors. It’s not until his legs eventually protest from having been in the same position for so long that he gets up.

  
Finding himself in the living room again, Danny pushes number 2 on his speed dial without any real forethought.

  
“Danny?” He can hear the quiet shuffling of sheets in the background, Ramon’s groggy voice when he asks Richie if everything’s ok. Danny looks at the display on his cell phone, 3:45 AM. Shit. He hadn’t even meant to call. He had just…  
 

He hears Richie say his name again, the sleepy note in his voice now replaced with a sharp alertness. Danny considers how they’ve all been poised for battle, for disaster, ever since the accident. He wonders how hard it will be for them to stop leaping to the worst-case scenario right off the bat. It’s probably not healthy to dwell on these types of thoughts.

  
His little brother takes a long breath, tries for a calmer tone to coax some response out of him. “Is it Mindy? What’s up, you alright?” Danny nods at this. It’s not until Richie repeats his name louder, panic having bled through once more, that Danny realises he hasn’t actually spoken yet.

  
“Sorry sorry, yeah,” he shakes his head, a little awkward now. “Uh, yeah she’s asleep, fine. I’m just…” He doesn’t know what he is or why he called really.

  
“Jesus Christ, Dan! Don’t fucking do that!”

Ramon scolds Richie in the background and his brother is quick to amend his tone into something contrite. “You just scared me there, okay? That’s all – I’m sorry.” He can hear Richie readjust himself in bed, probably to sit up. Danny feels tired and falls mute again as he curls back onto the couch.

  
“Spit it out, bro. It’s like 4 AM, please just tell me what’s going on.”  
  
  
“I don’t know what to do tomorrow.” Danny wants to add how he’s barely made it through today, how even in sleep he can’t catch a damn break. Richie is patient and waits for him to continue.

  
“When she wakes up, I mean. What am I supposed to do, Rich?” Some ugly feral sound slips past his lips, something that used to be a laugh maybe. It makes him feel rickety, so Danny uncurls himself to get to his feet and prove how steady he is. He starts pacing, in part to get the blood flowing back into his legs, but mostly to distract himself from his own words.

  
“I had a dream,” he grips the phone harder than he means to, hears the plastic creak a little under the strain. “Had a dream ‘bout when she coded. When we all thought…well, you know. Anyway, I woke up and I just got so fucking scared.”

  
The necklace bounces against Danny’s bare chest, just above his heart, reminding him of its heavy presence with each step he takes. He grabs hold of it, does his best to ignore the part of him that wants to rip the entire thing off his neck. Despite this, somehow Danny’s strides don’t stutter. He keeps up the soothing rhythm of his pacing, forces his thumb to move along the words across the medallion and skim the smoothness of the wedding band nestled next to it.

  
“Of course that scared you, Danny,” Richie’s voice is tentative and small, but manages to startle him anyway. For a second there, he’d forgotten about him.

  
“No, it’s not **just** that. I got scared that maybe they hadn’t saved her back then. That this, **all of this** …her being alive, awake, her being here in our bedroom right now. I dunno, that maybe I’d made it all up or something.”

  
It’s quiet on the other end of the line, but he knows Richie’s still there. Danny feels foolish all of a sudden. “How dumb is that, right? How come I’m more afraid now than I was in the hospital?” He keeps his tone light, since this is silly after all.

  
“God Danny, I’m sorry, that…” Richie trails off, hesitant. Danny can feel tears pushing to come out, but he blinks them back angrily.

  
There’s a bit of a ruckus on the other end of the line, like maybe his brother dropped the phone or something. It soon becomes clear that Ramon has snatched the phone out of Richie’s hands.

  
“Danielito,” Ramon coos fondly, a smile clear in his voice. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to interrupt…” Danny can hear Richie scoff loudly at that statement, before Ramon shushes his boyfriend. “ **But** ,” he presses on, as if he hadn’t been rudely interrupted, “your brother was kind of drowning there. I had to step in.”  
Danny’s mouth quirks up a little.

  
“What you're feeling makes perfect sense. The hospital was terrifying, but it was controlled. There were nurses and doctors and your whole family. Yeah, it was hard, but you weren’t alone with her. Not like you are now.”

  
Danny agrees and says so. “Yeah, of course I’m right.” Ramon chuckles a little at his own joke, before sobering again. “Except now is when you gotta really get to work. It’s different from just waiting by her bed, y’know. She’s awake and things have changed.” Richie grumbles that this is not helping, but is once again swiftly dismissed by Ramon.

  
“What I am **trying** to say, Danielito…is that yes, things have changed. Things are messy. But not the most important things, okay? This is your wife of 3 years, you know her better than anyone else. You won her once. You **can** do it again! Woo her, be the most romantic you have ever been in your entire life.”

  
Richie snags the phone back and Danny can just imagine the epic pout Ramon must be sporting. “Sorry Dan, Ramon has been really into period dramas lately. He keeps saying people have lost the art of courting.”

  
“That’s cause they **have**!” Ramon interjects with a huff, no doubt still pouting.

  
“Maybe he’s right,” Danny has stopped pacing, feels something calm spread along his spine. It pushes away some of the fear that was coiled around him there. 

  
“Put me on speaker phone for a sec, Rich.”

   
His brother sounds sheepish, “you kinda already were on speaker.”

  
“But just for that last bit though, not all of it,” Ramon sputters a little.

  
“Of course I was,” Danny chuckles at them. “It’s ok, guys. Thank you, both of you. Really. I uhm…I think I got a plan for tomorrow.”

  
Ramon actually squeals in delight and exclaims, “you can do it, Danny!”  
After which, his little brother makes him promise to call them back with all the details afterwards.

  
He smiles, a true and wide one, once they hang up. He’s glad he called them.

 

* * *

 

_It had been a week since the building-wide Christmas party._

_  
_ _Since the kiss._

 _  
_ _Danny Castellano wasn’t a teenager, several decades past it as Mindy would happily point out, so why was this such a big deal? It’s not like it had been his first kiss and he clearly had experience with women._

 _  
_ _Except he was nervous, like **all** the time. It was the good kind of nerves; anticipation and hope all nicely swirled up together in a way that made his lungs feel tight. Danny kept replaying the lead-up to the kiss, the actual moment where he told himself ‘screw it’ and dove in to press his mouth to hers. His mind kept that scene going in a constant delicious loop, and yeah – it made him feel a little giddy. Anxious, but happy. The sort of happiness he had never really got to touch and didn’t think he’d ever get this close to._

 _  
_ _Every single time he would try to be cool, to not be a complete nutjob about this, his mind would conjure up that beautiful surprised “oh” that she had let out just after he’d kissed her. He had never felt more proud of himself then when that gorgeous breathy sound was followed by a shy smile that curled up her lips._

 _  
_ _So now here he was, no better than a fifteen year old kid who was high on hormones and couldn’t hide his feelings to save his life._

 _  
_ _Mindy had left for Boston the day after the party, she was going to be away till after New Years. His first instinct was to pout and he nearly did. However she had kissed him so soundly, pressed her frame so snug against his, that he actually forgot to be disappointed over her impending departure._

 _  
_ _She had shot him a text from the airport, one with a clear crisp instruction: “don’t freak out!” Except he was. Obviously not in the way that she was thinking; that he’d bolt or regret having kissed her in the first place. No, nothing like that. Danny was freaking out because the moment she’d left his sight, he realised that he was essentially full on in love with her already. He had wanted to reply with “never”, but decided it was too revealing. He sent her a wink instead. When it came down to it, he didn’t want **her** to freak out or get spooked and end this before it could ever really begin._

 _  
_ _Nonetheless, Danny really wasn’t made for stealth or lies. He tried to keep his teen hormones in check and wait at least a few minutes before responding to her texts while she was away. It was all extremely exhausting. So when the moment came that she’d be returning to the city, Danny was frankly fresh out of self-control. He had offered to pick her up from the airport, but she had declined. Danny tried to not be too hurt by that. Instead he took several hours to compile what had to be the most awkwardly worded text, wherein he asked her out on a date.  
_ _In a very magnanimous move, Mindy called him back instead. Yes, she’d love to have dinner at his place, she reassured him. Yes, she knew he had meant tonight. He may have actually stuttered a few times during that call. Not to mention how sweaty he had gotten._

 _  
_ _Danny was going to cook for her. He would sweep her off her feet and then kiss her until they both got dizzy. That was the plan. It was solid. He hadn’t stopped smiling since he had heard her voice. His mind had pulled up that familiar Christmas kiss loop and Danny kind of zoned out. It wasn’t until his smoke detector started blaring that he realised he had ruined their dinner before it had even started._

 _  
_ _Mindy arrived just as he was waving a dish rag around the smoke detector, desperate to get it to stop its wailing. She laughed, beautifully, and Danny wanted to crawl off and hide somewhere. This was a disaster. She walked over, took in his frown and smiled at him as she plucked the rag out of his hands. She tossed it somewhere over her shoulder, not bothered to look, and instead eyed him before tugging him closer._

 _  
_ _“I missed you, Castellano.”_

 _  
_ _Just like that, all the tension in Danny’s body burst like a bubble, because she was right. This wasn’t it, this didn’t matter. They weren’t perfect and it was no surprise that their first date would be a bit of a messy affair. She was here though and it was like he could sense something loosen within him. A part of him hoped it was his anxiousness about scaring her off slowly fading away._

 _  
_ _Danny kissed her along the line of her neck, then nipped at her jaw. He took his time with soft kisses that were long and slow, just like he’d been imagining all week. Mindy was not one for patience, so she tugged at his hair a little, might’ve even whined a bit. Danny chuckled low in his chest and let his fingers dance in her long locks for a moment. Another whimper. He looked up to see her eyes closed, a light smile right there. Danny trailed his thumbs along her cheekbones, thinking how silly it was to miss a person so fiercely._

 _  
_ _“Missed you more, Lahiri,” Danny growled just a hair’s breadth from her lips._

 _  
_ _And so he gave in, accepting that he was in love with this woman and proceeded to kiss her senseless to prove it. It didn’t take long for him to get her to make that sound again. That soft little “oh”._

 _  
_ _It was just a little thing, but it was everything all at the same time._

 _  
_ _They went out for burgers, nothing fancy but it was nice. When the bill came, Mindy had gone off to the restroom. The server came back to hand him his card. He was the chatty sort, the kind Danny normally hates – except he was too happy to let petty annoyances get to him._

 _  
_ _Danny was mid-signature when he perked up, having formed some sixth sense about Mindy. He looked to see her weaving her way back to their table, her smile matching his own._

 _  
_ _"So is that your girlfriend?”_

 _  
_ _Danny blinked a few times, having forgotten the man was still there. He finished his signature and gave him a friendly look. “Hopefully soon.” The waiter took the receipt with a grin, “probably a lot sooner than you think. Have a good night!”_

 _  
_ _Mindy sat down just as the waiter was leaving their table, a curious look on her face. “You’re blushing. Why are you blushing? Did that guy just hit on you?”_

 _  
_ _Danny took her hand, pressing a kiss to her knuckles before shaking his head. His girlfriend, he thought happily. If he was honest, Mindy was a bit more than that. She had always been more than that._

 

* * *

 

Danny plants his hands on his hips and stands still long enough to truly survey his handiwork. Okay, so maybe this plan sounded more romantic at 4 in the morning, but it was done now. He feels a trickle of awkwardness but is resolute in pushing that deep down, as there’s simply no time to undo any of this.

  
Knowing his wife though, she will be out for at least 3 more hours. Plenty of time to get breakfast ready and spiff himself up afterwards. He is running solely on fumes at this point and he knows that the moment he stops is when he’ll completely collapse. So Danny keeps moving and quickly gets dressed in yesterday’s clothes. He glances back at the bedroom for a beat before dashing out to get the supplies he needs.

  
Danny Castellano might not be the most romantic man in the world, but he will be if it means getting his Mindy back. He will get it right and she’ll love him again. She will remember them again. What they had was worth remembering.

  
It’s these thoughts that propel him to keep moving through the city at such an ungodly hour.

 


	9. Easy Moments Are The Heaviest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've no words to express how grateful I am for the response I've been receiving. I am all smiles. 
> 
> I realise this chapter has been a long time coming, but to make amends it is once again a long one. Real life makes frequent updates difficult, but I am trying to change that. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking around, I'm curious to hear what you think. 
> 
> Thanks to Phunky & HelenvPP for being my personal cheerleaders in all things <3
> 
>  
> 
>  **Music:** _We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off_ – Ella Eyre  
>  _Drop the Game_ – Flume feat. Chet Faker

  
I snuggle my head into softness. Content and mostly still asleep, I fiercely hug my arms around a sweet smelling pillow and just inhale. My limbs are spread out in the most gratifying way, stretching out sore and unused muscles.   
  
  
I curl and uncurl my toes happily.

   
A soft hazy dream slips away from me, turns a corner right before I can catch up to it, making it so I can’t distinguish the details anymore. All I’m left with is a vivid sensation of warmth, the kind the snug safeness of a heavy arm curved around my waist would provide. Its absence causes me to burrow my face deeper into the pillow, tuck my limbs back towards my frame until I’m as small as I can get. Somehow I try to breathe it in, that feeling of contentment that’s missing, but it appears to have fled along with those last tendrils of sleep.

  
I sigh, eyes still closed in a stubborn attempt to sink back into slumber, to chase after the comfort of this particular dream. It doesn’t work. It is as if my brain knows how badly I want it, how desperate I am to have it back, and then mockingly dangles it just out of reach. I wrap my own arms around myself, but it simply isn’t the same. With my lips pursed in petulant defeat, I slowly scrub a hand along my eyes and let my palm settle there to keep daylight out.

  
Some corner of my sluggish brain nudges at me, reminds me that my bed isn’t this big or comfy. I start, muscles all over jerk and tense, similar to when one dreams of falling and their entire body jolts in that terrifying way. With a sharp cleansing inhale through my nose, I sink my frame back into the mattress. I want to scold myself for overreacting, for forgetting…again. 

  
I’m fine, I remind myself, this is fine. My mantra settles me – for the moment.

  
I open my eyes then and move to sit up. However it appears I do so too quickly, when breath catches in my chest and dizziness overtakes me. I gracelessly crumble back down onto the mattress when the vertigo is followed by a swift burst of hurt. “Ow,” I rub my temples slowly, eyes screwed shut and forehead deeply creased. My headache dulls somewhat as I try regulating my breaths and move my fingertips in tight hard circles along my hairline. I try again, more wary this time, and sit up. A louder whine pushes past my lips now, the earlier ache having grown into a pounding, pulsing pain at the base of my skull that my fingertips are too inept to chase off.

  
“Min? Are you ok?” Danny’s voice is steely yet cautious, but his frantic knocks on the bedroom door expose the true extent of his panic.

  
“M’fine”, I pinch the bridge of my nose and silently repeat my mantra. I hear Danny shuffling behind the door and it dawns on me that **he** really isn’t fine. “You can come in, if you want. It’s just my head…”

  
I hardly manage to finish my sentence before he’s already in the room kneeling by my side, a glass of water and my pain medication clutched in hand. Gratefully, I take both from him and can’t help smiling when he moves to place my glasses onto my lap. Danny gives me an awkward look then, afraid he’s overstepped, so I keep my lips curved up sweetly. It feels easier to accept his aid, as long as I remember not to linger on his anxiousness as much. Instead of overthinking, I vow to just respond, to be grateful and accept what I’m offered as I would do with anyone else. Like there are no painful strings attached to every action between the two of us.

  
I’ll react to his kindness, I tell myself, and rely on the fact that our friendship is something I do in fact remember quite fondly. It’ll be a type of foundation that can help keep me upright, as I push down all the thoughts and questions that are making my brain throb in agony.

  
I swallow down my pills and drain the glass. Danny is right there to take it out of my hands, reliable and so eager to help. Putting my glasses on, I gaze at his strong fingers and wide palms, take a moment to admire them, as he sets the pillbox and glass down on the bedside table. I always did like his hands, even when I abhorred the man himself. They had this strong capable look about them that made me believe there was a safety there. Despite his constant scowl back in residency and his icy demeanor during those first years at Shulman’s, I was certain those hands could even be soothing if Danny chose them to be. So for a second, I allow myself to just **be** in this moment. To take pleasure in the memories that I do still have a grasp on, and even (for a miniscule instance) contemplate asking him to rub the back of my neck.

  
I snap back to attention when one of his sturdy hands skims lightly along the top of my right shoulder. Danny murmurs my name in that dejected desperate tone he’s adopted ever since I woke up. Honestly I’d prefer he said it in exasperation or anger, rather than this unbearable sadness he’s attached to my name. His face is tense with worry, which makes me think that wasn’t the first time he had called out to me. A flush of guilt runs through me, making me queasy, as my headache radiates down towards my neck and shoulders. I’ve grown tired of this constant guilt, this futile emotion, so I mumble some excuse about being groggy due to – _well due to everything really_. Danny seems appeased or tortured, I can’t tell his expressions apart anymore. More accurately, I don’t have it in me to try. No more zoning out, I reprimand myself silently. No more guilty conscious either, at least not today.

  
“You’re really not supposed to take those without food, you know.”   
At my blank expression, Danny taps the white plastic lid of the pillbox and gives me his stern doctor’s face. It’s sort of adorable. I valiantly try to ignore the heat at my cheeks, when my stomach decides to noisily agree with Doctor Danny’s assessment. I remember how little I actually ate last night, how badly I just wanted to hide away in sleep and pretend this wasn’t the strangest thing to have ever happened to me. With a sheepish smile tugging at my mouth, I grant him a small nod despite the nagging pain behind my eyes. Perhaps food will be able to settle the war raging in my skull.

  
“Well then…feed me, Seymour,” I chuckle softly at the voice I make. Danny shoots me a puzzled look, but at least he looks less fretful now. I wave it off, mutter something about pop culture as I accept his hand and let him hoist me up to my feet. I’m adamant to keep things light, to ensure that Danny’s shoulders lower – even if it’s only a little bit.

  
He pauses at the bedroom door, says something under his breath that I don’t catch before turning around to face me. He doesn’t quite meet my eyes. It takes me a beat to grasp that he’s nervous about something beyond this room. I see we’re still holding hands, from when he was leading me along towards the doors, so I give his fingers an encouraging squeeze. Red splotches appear along his neck. It doesn’t calm him, but at least it gets him to look me in the eye and speak.

  
“Don’t freak out, okay? I just…I thought,” he coughs, tries again. Danny looks like he might flounder again, but impresses me when his mouth quirks into a bashful smile. I try to heed his words, despite how skittish my insides feel. For obvious reasons, I’m not one for surprises these days.

  
“I couldn’t sleep last night, so I figured I should try and find a way to make today a little easier on you.” 

  
I sense myself soften at his kindness and am eager to reciprocate. In a moment of bravery, I smooth my palm further along his until our hands are locked in a firmer clasp. I can’t think of what else to do, seemingly forgotten how to show gratitude or use my words for that matter. Except I am quick to let go though, bravery be damned, once I feel Danny tense beside me. I cross my arms tight against my body until my hands are securely clamped against my frame. Yes, this seems much safer. Why does he still look so miserable though? So much for a light easy day, I think, as anxiety begins to coil low in my belly.

  
“Show me,” I say in a nervous trill, ready to undo whatever I’ve unravelled with my touch.

  
Finally, Danny slides the bedroom doors open and takes several long strides towards the centre of the living room. I trail behind, slower, more timid as it appears that my strategy for today seems to be failing quite spectacularly.

  
I look around and let out a small huff at the sight, visibly taken aback. Danny looks like he isn’t sure whether or not to be pleased by my response. I move around from the kitchen towards the living room, lingering along the walls. One hand hovers over my mouth to trap in any gasps that might escape me, while the other gently trails along the sea of colourful post-it notes stuck on nearly every surface in the house.

  
“Danny…”

  
“Is it too much?”

  
He sounds so frightened that I turn to face him. It is, I nearly answer, but swallow the words before they’re said aloud. He seems shaken, and it isn’t until then that I notice how exhausted he looks. Danny continues in a frantic tone, “I can take it all down. It’ll only be a minute. This wasn’t meant to upset you, Min. I’m sorry.”

  
I frown at him, puzzled by his words, his apology – that is until I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. _Oh man, all this crying needs to stop_. I bite my lip harshly and gather my quaking frame into stillness. The poor man must think I’m on the verge of another meltdown. It is a lot, maybe too much, but the fact that he did this – that he thought me worth all this trouble. It makes more tears well up. I shake my head at the way my emotions are mucking everything up, at the doubt taking hold of Danny’s face every second I keep from speaking. I wipe the back of my hand against my cheeks to dry them, and then use my fingers to smooth down my hair.

  
“No, God no – don’t you dare touch it. It’s…” Steadying my voice, I take a moment to skim past one of them. A red heart shaped note with simple instructions on how the TV works. I can’t help but be charmed by the care Danny took to make his handwriting as legible as possible.

  
“This is really lovely, Dan. I’m not upset, I promise. It just, it caught me off guard is all.” Just as I want to walk over and hug him, or do something equally awkward to say my thanks, Danny’s pager goes off and startles us both.

  
“Are you on call?” I attempt to not sound disappointed, but truth be told I hadn’t wanted to spend my first day out of the hospital alone in a strange house.

  
Danny growls, “ **No**!” before cursing and darting off to locate his phone. He heads into the bedroom for his call, whereas I pointedly move as far away from there as I can so as not to overhear. Instead, I thumb past a few notes stuck on the bookcase in the living room, focus on deciphering Danny’s chicken scratch. My mouth unconsciously ticks up into a half smile, as I recall the endless teasing he’d had to endure about his penmanship at the office.

  
“How’s your head doing?” Danny looks agitated again. I do my best to stay unaffected and pretend I don’t notice his mood change.

  
“Much better, I think the meds are kicking in.” It’s a lie, but a necessary one since he’s grumpy enough as it is. Besides, he’d probably overreact and ship me back to the hospital if I so much as sneezed.

  
He nods curtly, “you should still eat something though.”  
 

Danny walks to the kitchen without waiting for me. I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed earlier, but apparently aside from his post-it project, Danny also found the time to whip up a breakfast feast. _Did he even sleep?_ I feel that familiar tingle of guilt and anxiety swirl somewhere deep down, but push past it and press my fingers hard against the marble counter.

  
“You did all this?”

  
Again, that short nod in reply.

   
“What’s wrong, Danny? This is amazing. You didn’t have to do all this.” I want to reach out and touch him, to squeeze his shoulder or something, except he already looks like he’s a million miles away. “Wow, I am really glad that you did though. Oh my god, you even got the **good** kind of bearclaws!” Genuinely touched, I’m all smiles and gratitude. Yet all Danny can manage is a puff of frustration and a very impressive sulk.

  
“Yeah, sorry. I just – I wanted to stay here. With you,” he blushes at those last words and that urge to touch him to break the tension grows.

  
“I wanted to have breakfast with you, help you read my bad handwriting…Fuck!” He flashes a sour smile, digs both hands into his hair and tugs. It looks painful. “I have to go into the hospital Mindy. I’m so **so** sorry, it’s just this patient is a very unique case and she doesn’t trust –”

  
“Danny, stop! I’m a doctor. I get it, stuff like this happens. A lot! I can entertain myself. I promise I won’t burn the house down while you’re gone.”

  
“You **just** got home from the hospital though. I can’t leave you here alone. I’m going to call your parents or Ma or Rishi…” He’s got his phone out now and is already thumbing through the contacts, lost in his worry.

  
I still him by placing my palm briefly against his jaw. I can feel him clench it and grind his teeth together. His name comes out as an involuntary rasp and he stops altogether. Unfortunately, tension is still stretched tightly across his features.

  
My hand returns to cup his cheek although I can’t remember telling it to do that. We lock eyes for a beat too long, which is probably why I splay my fingers a little and give him the smallest of caresses. Emboldened and somewhat heady from the heat in his gaze, I linger there until his head tilts just so and Danny leans into my touch. “Mindy,” it sounds like a question, a scary one, and it effectively breaks the spell. I hide behind a tremulous grin, reclaim my wayward hand and clasp it strongly with the other. I watch his eyelashes flutter before he looks away, which makes me think I may have exacerbated things. It appears my hands aren’t as soothing as his. I try for words instead.

  
“It’s fine. **I’m fine**. I’ve got my pain meds, my bearclaws and my… _holy shit Danny_ , are those Beyoncé post-its? You actually found post-its with Beysus on them?” Danny chuckles, looking more than a little pleased with himself.

  
I tug him down a bit, stand on my tiptoes and press a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you, for all this.” Danny looks a bit stunned, but still doubtful about the situation.

  
“Ok tell you what, Castellano – I propose a compromise.” He arches a brow at that, adding an unconvinced smirk. “Don’t give me that look, at least wait until you hear my idea first.”  
 

* * *

   
The sound of the Skype call connecting fills the empty space around me. I will Gwen to pick up, because I’m convinced I’ve reached Olympic levels of boredom at this point. It took some coaxing but Danny did head out to the hospital, except only after I had put a hand over my heart and sworn on Beyoncé’s life that I would uphold my end of the deal by calling Gwen. He said he would be back in a few hours, but considering the fact that he was paged in the first place despite “our” situation, he would most likely be gone a lot longer than that to deal with this emergency.

When I walked over to the laptop not long after he’d left, I found a stack of cue cards wedged underneath it. These were less pragmatic than the post-its had been and more – romantic, I guess. They’d left me reeling, and that was putting it mildly.

  
Suddenly Gwen pops up on screen and I am grinning back at my best friend. Everything feels slightly easier now, with her bright eyes and sunny smile beaming like all is well and I’ve nothing to fear. Perhaps I can salvage some of my good intentions for the day. Start anew and be a bit better once Danny returns. Gwen would help. She always helps.

  
“Hey sweetie, so Danny got called in for an emergency? That blows!”

**  
“What? How do you even know that? I haven’t even said hi to you yet.”**

  
Gwen blushes prettily, however I won’t be distracted and point an accusing finger at her. A childish part of me feels betrayed; after all she’s supposed to be **my** friend.

 **  
“He texted you.”** I state it flatly, since of course Gwen isn’t just mine anymore. She couldn’t be, not when the dynamics of my life have shifted so substantially. The throbbing at my temples starts to increase, making me want to duck out of this entire call and crawl back under the covers. Except I can’t do that – I swore.

  
“Mindy, he’s worried. He has every right to be. Also he wanted to make sure you actually called ‘cause if you didn’t…”

**  
“Then what? What were my jailer’s instructions?”**

  
“Ok, that’s not fair and you know it.”

 **  
“Ugh yes, I know! I just have this intense headache and I have to wait at least two more hours before I’m allowed to take my pain meds again. It’s making me grumpy.”** I pointedly ignore the way Gwen’s eyebrow arches at that last word. _Rude!_ Truthfully though, a big chunk of me is glad she isn’t handling me with kid gloves, that we’re getting past the frantic panic and edging towards a semblance of normalcy again.

  
“So how about we start over? How are you?”

  
 **“Do you want the sanitised version or the ugly truth?”**  
 

Gwen just rolls her eyes at me, a move I very maturely mimic of course.

 **  
“Fine, dumb question,”** I acquiesce with a pout. **“Mhm basically, I’m more than a little freaked out. Like a lot! I tried not to be this morning, mainly ‘cause he clearly hadn’t slept and looked such mess. I did try to push my own nerves down, to be cool.”** I make a face, recalling how wrecked he’d truly been, how terrified he was at leaving me alone here. **“Gwen, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I only just got here.”** I grimace at my dour tone, since so far my intentions for a drama free day are shattering all over the place.

  
“Ok sweetie, you gotta talk me through this, give me a play-by-play.” Gwen ponders her words as she tucks loose strands of hair behind her ears. She’s giving me her determined face, and my heart feels lighter for it. “Alright, tell me about last night. What happened, what did he say?”

 **  
“Not a whole lot to be honest. He was in mute mode.”** I don’t offer that I suspect he was probably just mirroring my behaviour, trying his best not to jostle me any further.

  
“You spent an entire evening together and you didn’t talk about anything? Seriously? That sounds so… _awkward_.”

  
My shoulders immediately tense at her description, but I play it off as a shrug.  
 **“I was too tired to really register that, but yeah I guess it was a little uncomfortable. He basically handed me PJs and told me where the bedroom was.”**

  
“Oh my god!! Did you guys…” Gwen adds some sort of lewd eyebrow wiggle, before bursting into soft peals of laughter over her own gesture. When she registers my incredulous expression, she is quick to swallow down any leftover sounds. The impish smile at her lips doesn’t quite disappear though, much to my chagrin.  
 

 **“What? NO! Jesus Gwen, what the hell? What’s wrong with you? It’s Danny, that’s insane.”** I try not to think about the cue cards I found and feel even more flustered.  
 

“He is your husband. It’s not like you haven’t done it before.” Gwen gives a shrug and – oh god, I think she actually believes that that was a real possibility.  
 

 **“But I don’t remember – amnesia!”** I tap my index finger to my temple. Gwen cringes minutely, but we both pretend she didn’t.

  
“Doesn’t mean your body doesn’t remember,” she deadpans, trying for levity but falling horribly short. My headache makes itself known again and I can’t help but sigh softly.

  
 **“Ok I’m hanging up. You are literally no help!”**  
 

“No no no, I just got excited. I’m sorry. No more lame jokes. Pinky swear,” Gwen holds her pinky finger up towards the camera and crooks it slightly. I do the same. We both smile fondly at each other and chuckle a little.

   
“Ok so you woke up…”

 **  
“I woke up.”** I repeat dryly, leaving out the part about the dream or how I’d slept so soundly in his bed. _Our bed_. **“I woke up and there were notes everywhere. Like post-its. Gwen, it was…”**

  
“Cute.” Gwen offers eagerly, excitement and hope shining bright in her blue eyes. It’s obvious she wants to say more, yet I don’t press her for it. I’m not sure I want to know all her thoughts on this just yet. Not until I’ve figured it out for myself.

  
 **“Yeah.”** I mutter low.  
 

“And?”

  
I pick up the cue cards and hold them up for her to see. My grip is so tight the thin cardboard digs hard into my palm. Sucking in my bottom lip, my heart trembles with a longing I can’t or don’t want to acknowledge.

  
“There were more?” Gwen’s words are barely audible, tinged with a heavy apprehension. I figure I must look terribly unhappy since Gwen looks so near tears herself.

 **  
“I don’t think I was meant to see these.”  
**

“What do you mean?”  
 

**“They were sort of tucked between some papers underneath the laptop. I don’t think he meant these for me. At least not for me to read right now.”**

  
“Why would you say that?”

 **  
“Well, they’re very…intimate,”** I say the last word under my breath, and close my eyes for a moment before continuing. **“He didn’t sleep last night and I think he got carried away or something. I guess he just wrote down what he was feeling.”** I suck at my teeth, frustrated with myself. **“I’m such a dick for reading them, Gwen.”  
**

“You didn’t mean to, right?”

  
I nod weakly. Not like that’s an excuse. Not one I’d accept if it were me anyway.  
 

“You thought they were a part of his post-it deal, which means you didn’t go snooping around. Trust me, you’re not a dick, Mindy. So please stop feeling guilty.”  
 

Easier said than done, I want to say.  
Instead I murmur, **“I’m about to be one though.”  
**

“What does that even mean?”  
 

 **“I have some questions about –”** I meekly hold up the cards once more. Gwen doesn’t look mad, so that tight ball inside my chest loosens somewhat.

  
“Yeah, okay that makes sense. Shoot!”

**  
“Did he really ask my parents for my hand in marriage?”**

  
“Actually I think it was only your mom.” Gwen looks awkward, like she’s somewhere in between crying and smiling. She rubs her palms together, a telltale sign that she’s uneasy. “I really don’t think I should be doing this to be honest. I get it, I do! You want to know as much as possible, to understand. But honey, Danny should be the one to tell you these things. It’s not my place.”

 **  
“I only read the first few cards,”** I lie too easily. **“Please answer two more questions and I will drop this. I’ll put these back where I found them and wait until Danny brings them up.”** I gesture another pinky swear towards the laptop camera, except Gwen doesn’t move in response. **“I promise,”** and I know I’m begging, but I’m in too deep to care. Thankfully she yields, her little finger filling up the screen for a moment.

  
Suddenly, I’m frozen with nerves. Which two questions? What do I want to hear about most? I didn’t think this through and all of a sudden seconds feel like hours as Gwen waits for me to speak.  
 

 **“Did he…was I?”** I can’t decide and my headache is back in full force. **“Never mind,”** I hear myself say without thinking, my cheeks wet with fresh tears. **“I honestly wouldn’t know where to start. It’s at least 4 years of him loving me, and me…”** It’s best to swallow those last words, as they don’t seem to fit my mouth just yet. **“Gwen, how am I supposed to know what questions to ask? I don’t even know how I feel about this, about him.”**

  
“Mindy, how about you ask me an easy one? One that wasn’t on the cue cards, one he had meant for you to see.”

  
I purse my lips when Gwen swipes at her own tears with her shirtsleeve. I want to apologise for dragging us so far from the normalcy we both crave, but my mouth feels dry and uncooperative. I tilt my head and remove a Beyoncé post-it stuck to the top left corner of the laptop screen. With a twist of my wrist, I show it to Gwen. She gives a wide smile, because damn it if that isn’t the most adorable mental image – _Danny Castellano running around town in search of specialty post-its to decorate the apartment with._

  
“What does it say?”

 **  
“0925. It’s the password for the laptop and my cellphone.”** I hold up the latter device, which is sporting its own note stating that all my numbers are on it and Danny is number 1 on the speed dial. I consider that at least half those numbers must be strangers I met from my missing years, the thought makes me put the phone back down. I notice Gwen sitting up a little straighter, **“Does that mean anything? **”****  
 

“It’s your wedding date.” I don’t know what Gwen’s expression means, much like Danny’s looks confound me. I guess she says my name a few times, but again, I can’t be sure. All I know is this was enough. This is more than I bargained for.

**  
“I gotta go.”**

  
I’m almost certain I’ll throw up the bear claw I forced myself to eat this morning. Gwen looks shell-shocked when I repeat myself. My head has no room for sympathy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t attempt some damage control. **“Thank you, sweetie. I’m fine, good even. It’s my head you see – I think it would be best if I lay down for a second. Besides it’s time for those pain meds.”** My words sound too loud, hollow. I make a conscious effort to curl my mouth, but it’s clear my smile is all teeth and probably looks more like a snarl.

  
Before my best friend has a chance to reply, I’ve clicked to disconnect the call. In a cowardly move, I log out of Skype entirely just in case Gwen tries calling back. The apartment is silent now, making my thoughts all the more hectic.  
 

_A September wedding._

  
The words buzz and bounce against the walls only to come crashing back into me. Before my brain can catch up, I’m already searching the laptop. I need to see for myself. I need some proof, something tangible, just something…  
 

I pause. I may have even stopped breathing. The picture in itself isn’t that remarkable, it isn’t of me in a flowing white gown posing like I’m on the cover of People Magazine. I had been bracing myself for that. This is unexpected.

  
It’s only a simple little thing; me in a selfie, smiling wider than I think I’ve ever done before. With shaky fingers pressed into soft cheeks, I strive to mirror it, to see if I can manage to forge something so genuine. It proves itself too challenging, this joyful smile, and my version feels false and heavy in comparison. In the shot Danny is nuzzling my neck, his lips firmly pressed against a spot just below my jaw. His eyes are closed and it doesn’t look like he even realises a picture is being taken. He appears content, happy even. Similarly, the Mindy in this picture looks practically delirious with joy. 

  
I stare at it for a long time, nearly press a fingertip against the screen. Perhaps a picture of the wedding would’ve been better, since this feels a touch too real.

  
My cellphone starts tinkling with faint piano music, followed by a soulful crooner singing smoothly. A little confused, I check the screen and see it flash with ‘Dan’. The song makes me hesitate, but I end up with my thumb pressed on the green button.

  
“Hi.” I’m all nerves again and I’m not sure why.

_  
“I’m so sorry, Min. This surgery took forever and I –”_

  
“Enough with the apologies already, Castellano,” I push a hint of laughter into my voice, “I’m still here. I’m alright. I even called Gwen, you can text her to check.” That last part comes out harsher than I intend.  
 

 _“Are you angry with me for texting Gwen this morning?”_ Danny sounds so young and bone-tired. I literally could not be a shittier person than I am right now.

  
“No, Danny.” I keep my voice steady, while the rest of me trembles. “I get it. Forget I said anything.”

 _  
“It’s ok if you are, you know.”_ It’s quite pathetic how we’re both failing so miserably at something as simple as a phone call. This is probably where I ask why he called, but my tongue seems stuck to the roof of my mouth. When I fail to take my turn to speak, Danny take a quick heavy breath and makes me wonder if he’d been holding it in all this time. _“Anyway, I called to say I’m almost home and I was_ _wondering if…well since you’ve been cooped up inside for so long. What with the hospital and today, I just figured…I thought maybe you’d want to go out to eat somewhere. Together, I mean.”_ If it were possible to hear someone wince, I’m confident this moment would be deafening.

  
“That sounds really nice, Danny.” I’m quick to respond this time, as the man is clearly inches away from a panic attack. I swear I can hear him smile through the phone, his breathing evening out. “I’ll just get ready, alright?”

 _  
“Ok, yeah, great – I’ll see you in a bit.”  
_

* * *

  
“Mindy?”

  
With one last glance in the mirror, I roll my shoulders back and walk out into the living room with as much confidence as I can muster. Danny has his back to me, but swivels on his heel at the sound of my pumps on the hardwood floors. My fingers smooth down along the skirt of my dress of their own accord, as the notion that I look nice seems ridiculous now with him looking at me like that. Awkwardness has seeped in to replace what feeble confidence I thought I had a hold on. This nervous feeling only grows when Danny keeps standing there saying nothing, he appears utterly thrown. He rubs a hand over his mouth and along his chin, the other pressed hard against the center of his chest.

  
I sling one arm around my waist and take in his attire, a simple black t-shirt and blue jeans. _Oh god, I’m completely overdressed and he doesn’t know how to tell me._ It takes a lot of effort to resist the urge to scrub the make up off my face with the palm of my hand. Instead I dig my nails into the flesh there and try not to reveal how mortified I am.

  
“Oh,” my voice is too quiet, so I try again. “I didn’t know where we were headed, you see. I should probably go change.”

  
Danny squints at me and I’m not sure what to make of it. He’s clearly back in mute mode. Unnerved, I slip out of my high heels. Before I can pick them up and head back to the bedroom, Danny takes them from me. He leans forward a little more and I can see how deep his frown is.

  
“Please don’t change,” his voice is firm and low, it sends a chill down my spine. “Please,” Danny repeats thickly, looking tortured as if he wants to say so much more. Instead he crouches down in front of me, half kneeling actually, and I entirely forget how to breathe. He doesn’t glance up, carefully placing my pumps before my feet. I realise he’s waiting for me to move – except I guess I lost myself a little pondering how the soft curls at the top of his head might feel gliding between my fingers.

  
The air is heavy with the fact that he is so close to touching me, but actually isn’t. Heart in my throat, I shut down my scattered thoughts and press a light hand on his shoulder for balance as I slip one foot back into my high heel. His fingers briefly brush against my ankle when I tuck the other foot back as well. My stomach tumbles dangerously at how careful he’s being.

  
When Danny stands up there’s hardly any space between us, something neither of us truly expect. A handsome blush travels along the strong planes of his face, which I swear causes all my words to fly right out of my head. With a tentative smile, he places his hand on the small of my back to guide me towards the coat rack. “Let’s go, I believe I promised you dinner.” 

  
During the cab ride, I can’t seem to stop fidgeting and stealing glances at the man next to me. Thankfully Danny doesn’t appear to notice my odd behaviour and even strikes up a conversation with the cabbie about something sport related. This whole day has been eye-opening, exciting but also terrifying. It’s just Danny I tell myself sensibly, repeating my chant that I’m fine, that all of this is unremarkable really.

  
Except I’m noticing things, like the way his hand keeps smoothing over a bump underneath his shirt or how occasionally he has to actually stop himself from reaching out to touch me. He’s always caught himself so far, but a faint sense of disappointment comes over me since I’m curious to see how I’d feel if he did simply go with his instincts. Perhaps some part of me even wishes he wouldn’t always be so damned considerate. My eyes are drawn back to him, just as he reaches over to pay the driver.

  
Who knew Danny Castellano could confuse me so much?

  
Once out on the sidewalk, I stand still and wait – not exactly sure why though. Danny picks up on this, then smooths his warm palm against my back to guide me in the direction of an unassuming diner. _Yep, definitely overdressed_ , I think wryly. The place is actually quite busy and I can feel Danny’s agitation thrum out through the hand on my back. I quirk my head towards him, wait until he notices my attention and smile warmly to indicate I don’t mind. I like that he hasn’t taken his hand off of me yet. I like that he seems less annoyed because of something I did. Randomly, I realise I haven’t felt my headache in ages.

  
“Ah, the Castellanos!” A bright voice greets us and I can’t help but chuckle at how genuinely happy our arrival has made this young server.

  
“Hey Julian, you got a booth for us?”

  
“Always!” Julian nods coolly, his auburn hair sweeping across his forehead in a carefree move. He takes a beat to give me an once-over, and then stage whispers “absolutely love it” with genuine fondness. I hardly have time to thank him before the young man is bounding ahead towards the booth he had in mind.

  
Danny lets out a short laugh, and I turn to face him. He shrugs, while still steadily leading me towards our seats through the busy diner. “He’s right, you do look beautiful.” I duck my head since I’m not sure what to say besides thank you, which is exactly what I end up muttering. By the time we reach him, Julian has wiped down the table, set out the cutlery and menus.

  
“So special occasion or date night?”

  
“A bit of both, I guess.” Danny leans back a bit, looking more relaxed than I’ve seen him since this mess started. I can say I’m officially mystified when he throws the red head an easy half smile. I wait until Julian has left us with our orders neatly scribbled on his pad, before I arch a brow at the man sitting across from me.

  
“Are you gonna tell me what this place is?”

  
Danny blinks a few times, running a hand through his curls.

  
“Of course.”

  
“Really?”  
 

My obvious shock makes him bow his head in confirmation. I beam back at him.  
I copy his pose and lean back, silent just in case. For once my curiosity outweighs the immense dread that’s usually clawing at me at the mention of _Mrs_. _Castellano_ and my failure to recall her life. For a brief second, my traitorous mind reminds me of the cue cards and all those other unanswered questions, but I shake it off before the thoughts can drag me down.

  
Danny Castellano rubs that same spot on his chest, that bump, I remind myself to ask about it later.

  
After a heavy silence, he begins to speak.


End file.
